THE week.....

The sweet and adorable Annie Elf gave me a thinking blogger nod over the weekend. Thanks Annie!

I know we are supposed to (although optional) link to the original blog that started this craze and nominate others - but I'm not going to do that because it is Monday morning and I have a busy crazy week and little time to blog. I was only reading a few blogs this morning when I discovered this nomination.

If I was going to give a thinking blog nod to anyone though - I would send one out to Greenishlady. She has a way with words and poetry that delights me and I like the way she thinks with her heart.

As I mentioned - this is the week - the week we have been working toward for 5 months. We have to do the final last little clearing of stuff out of my Mom's house. Mostly it is just a few things - the few cups and dishes we've been using to eat our lunch, the last things to be delivered to various places, the last of the last. The house cleaners come on Thursday and then the house will go on the market.

Next month we'll start sorting family photos and family history. That can be done with less travel and more time spent at home. Yeah! More later.......happy Monday to you all!

Making my way....one step at a time.....

I've been meaning to give this link for coping with grief. Just something I found at Good Grief Center.

I am feeling better though. Yesterday while working at my Mom's house we noticed how beautiful the violets are this year. I know it's because they loved the extra moisture we've had this past year.

Today, I am going to yoga class. I've missed a few weeks and this week I am really really ready to go to class. In honor of class I am showing you a daily lump I created last year - almost a year to the date on 4/19/06. It's called Bunny Does Downward Facing Dog.



It was fun to create these photos - it looks like bunny is ready for the cover of some yoga magazine. Have you ever noticed how yoga videos all seem to be filmed out in these exotic nature locales or the ads for yoga invite you with the scenery? Come do yoga in Placitas NM where you'll have the chance to meet other yogic bunnies!

The other thing that happens today is I am going to my art group meeting. We have a show coming up in September. I decided to drop out of the show - but not the group. I can't take the pressure of creating work for this show coming in September. It seems like a long way off but I know that it won't be until September before I can truly devote the time to create a 12 piece body of work. I actually have an idea which I started - but I'm going to wait to finish.

I bring this up because I think I will share this blog with my art group. I actually do not want to create the work for this show in September because I would have to sacrifice time that I spend writing, blogging, and spending with my husband. And there is still the issue of grieving. I need time to grieve - to just have space for that process. Since blogging is the main thing I'm doing these days to express myself - to create - I figure it is time to share it with my art group.

So, this post jumps around a bit but I feel somehow it all fits together. If you stuck with me this far - I thank you for reading. And welcome art group friends too.....

I felt yesterday for the first time since I gave up doing my daily lumps that it might be time to start them again. 15 to 30 minutes a day is time I could re devote to that creative process with clay. Sometimes one only gets to that kind of open possibility by dropping other pressures. Suddenly when I am not feeling pressure to create a "body of work" I find the desire to create a little ole lump. Little by little is my philosophy......

Calmer water

"Never underestimate our inclination to bolt when we hurt." - Pema Chodron

Pema said this about meditation - but I think it is equally true for life circumstances. What you read the other day was my great inclination to bolt and my hurt. Though it's worth going back to the post because the comments are so very tender and wise. I thank you all and I know that you all unfortunately have or are having to cope with grief so I am all the more touched by your comments.
This is all I can really think to give you - an Internet

((((((( HUG)))))))

Part of the fun of blogging are the things that fly around real fast - blog awards, memes, etc....Up until recently I never paid much mind to them. They were like the background. Much of the time if I noticed it was because they only lead to more discovery of interesting blogs. However, grief has a way of altering one's perception. This latest award craze just lead me to the end of my rope because I feel this intense longing for what I want to do creatively in blogland and in real life, but it's also thwarted by all the changes that have taken place. I grieve for what once was and I haven't quite yet found the new path.

When I got to the end of my rope - I discovered loneliness. If I had to sum up grief I think I would describe it as an empty darkened room - it's lonely. Yet sometimes the field has to lie fallow in order to once again be fertile. Fallow is a grieving place - but it also means that eventually seeds will be planted again and the lights will come on and the room will have furnishings again. It also means keep the faith - and having some blog friends and a good sister to blow into your tattered sails helps too. I just hope that I can somehow return the kindness back.

I'm not going to quit blogging yet. I really do enjoy this medium of expression and I feel I haven't fully explored it yet. I've only begun. I may take breaks though I may not announce that - or I may not take any breaks. I may just get more curious about the process of grieving and write about that more for awhile. I really don't know. The good news is change happens and the bad news is change happens. And while we might come to the end of one rope there is another thread to follow even if we sometimes have to fumble around in the dark for awhile.

I do believe this all relates to creativity somehow. And so I wouldn't be surprised at all if some flowers appear and some fruit ripens again.

"Faith is not a commodity we either have or don't have - it is an inner quality that unfolds as we learn to trust our own deepest experience" - Sharon Salzberg

Thank you everyone for your support from yesterdays post. If I had more time this morning I would write more - which I will do later. For now, I just wanted to pop in and say - well I am still grieving and I feel less overwhelmed than I did the past few days. I think it may have a lot to do with just expressing it out there and your kindness.
It's Friday the 13th and like so much of the country with late winter weather in spring - we awoke to a light dusting of snow - you can see it up there on the bunny trail - have you spotted the bunny? The bunny is saying that groundhog was wrong!

tidal wave

I am grieving. You really don't hear that very often. I know several people who have lost someone within the last three years. I've never heard them say it. Yet I know it is true. I feel a need to just say it. I've hit a new wave or another layer or an edge of grief. I am grieving. I feel a little bit like I am completely out of control because I just never seem to know lately how I'm going to react. One moment I can be completely fine and the next the tears and swirl of emotions are right there.

Grief is such an odd thing. At least I find it odd. It seems to come up and flood over everything. I feel depressed, lonely, worried, angry, sad, obsessed - just to name a few of the mixture of emotions. I know there is no timeline for grieving. It hits everyone differently. I know this in a rational kind of way. Just like I know that what I feel right now is completely normal. But my heart and my emotions don't feel normal and I wish somehow I could say ah.... according to this timeline for grief I will be finished with this in X amount of time.

I had what they call anticipatory grief before Mom died. Then after she died I've had all sorts of emotions, but they have passed quickly and I've felt as if I was doing fairly well with it all. This new wave - well it feels tidal. It feels like there is nothing I can do but allow it to overcome me. This grief - it's wiping me out and I feel myself tumbling under it. I don't know how to get out of it so the only way is through.

My thinking is so skewed and twisted by this grief that I'm having thoughts of calling this blogging thing quits. I try to make a few changes here. I've gotten stuck on a few things I'd like to do. And I watch the community of blogs I read move farther and farther ahead of me at such a rapid pace it's making me feel at the very least defeated. Then it is rather comical - but it seems that most of the blogs I go read are getting this thinking blog award and I'm beginning to feel like the ugliest of ugly ducklings. The comedy is that I'm not really thinking - mostly over the last 11 months I've been grieving. I know I haven't had a so called "thinking blog." I know my blog has been sluggish over the last many months -with few posts and with outdated stuff on it - I know I haven't nurtured my blogging community with lots of comments and support. And the blogs getting the thinking awards - well I have yet to see one that hasn't deserved it. Still, in my own state of mind, I'm just about ready to go crawl under a rock and hide.

With blogging - what was so joyous a year ago in March and April of 2006 - now feels washed away under a tidal wave of loss.
Most of the time I'm okay. What can I do about the fact that I lost my Dad when I was 25 and my mom now? I know I wasn't able to properly grieve my Dad's death- for one thing the family per my Dad and Mom's wishes had no memorial or funeral for him. So of course what can I do about the fact that having emptied their house of its contents and preparing to put it up for sale would not only cause me to grieve Mom's death but also my Dad's 13 years later? What can I do about any of this except muddle on through? Just surrender to the wave........maybe when it washes me up on shore I can get back to thinking, blogging, or creating. Until then I'm going to try to stay away from the delete buttons on this blog.

Newspaper Kitty

This is Fox. You've seen him before. What you might not know about him is that he's only a lap kitty if you have a newspaper for him to sit on. He's been like this forever. Years ago, my husband - who wasn't yet my husband because we'd only just begun our relationship - was reading the paper and Fox went straight into his lap. Fox up to that point would only sit back and stare intently at him. Even after his little venture into my future husband's newspaper covered lap he would only step back and stare at this man.

Fox had a rough day yesterday. He went to have his teeth cleaned and it was discovered he had an abscessed tooth which was extracted. Now he has to have pain medication for a few days and antibiotics for a week. Poor kitty. He requests you say a little healing prayer for him - or think good thoughts.

I will be saying a prayer for all the pet owners out there who have to give medication to their family members with paws - Breath in the anxiety of giving medicine - breath out peace and ease of medicine administered quick and smooth. Blessings to all the creatures of the world.

Okay....here goes.....

I've begun changing the blog. So if it looks a little weird bare with me as I slowly tweak here and tweak there......I may be doing more of that for awhile than posting but it's long overdue and I have lots to learn. Wish me luck. What needs a little sprucing up in your own life? My philosophy is little by little.....

Sadness and Love

For some reason I feel sad. It may just be the spring funk I tend to get each year. Allergies can really bring you down. I hear a bird (a thrasher perhaps) singing outside my window. And I have a cat just sitting here right beside me purring. There are lots of reasons not to be sad. I just notice that when I check in with my feelings what is there is sadness. I miss my mom. It is strange how I can be going along just fine and then suddenly that grief emerges.

I've been thinking about how I can be more loving toward myself. I had a productive weekend. I caught up on paperwork and bills and taxes. Yet, by Sunday afternoon I was in the thick of trying to get stuff rearranged and put away in my studio so I could get to work on my clay project. The time went by so quickly and soon it was time to make dinner. Soon it was time to shower and get to bed and for the first time in over a month I didn't sit down and meditate Sunday evening.

I notice that I'm being a little mean toward myself for that slip in meditating. I'm also being mean toward myself because my studio isn't any closer to being a place where I can sit down and work. It then becomes hard to see all the things I did accomplish this weekend. But this is what I'm asking myself this morning - how can I be a bit more loving toward myself?

I can forgive myself for not meditating. It's a loving act to meditate and I sat my 15 minutes this morning. I can also let a miss go and quit dragging it into the present.

I can really take a moment to appreciate what I have accomplished. I could give up the notion that I need to be somewhere further along. I made progress in my studio. I made decisions. I threw away some unnecessary stuff. I pulled out some things to donate. I could just agree right here right now to be gentle with myself and say it's okay to be where you are.

The action I need to take in order to be more loving and kind toward myself is to create. I really need to create. Last week was off kilter. I see this morning that I neglected my expressive self. I didn't do any clay work and my writing time was put at the bottom of the priority list. I also really want to spruce up my blog and the sidebar links and I just keep putting it off because I don't feel like I have the time to fix it if I muck up. These creative areas in my life need my time and attention and giving myself that is a way I can be more loving.

I also think that a way to be more kind toward myself is to just be gentle when I get sad. Allow myself a little area to be sad. That doesn't mean I have to stop appreciating all the beauty and joys around me.

The weekend before last we went on a hike and I photographed some of the season's first wildflowers I'll leave you with those: