tidal wave

I am grieving. You really don't hear that very often. I know several people who have lost someone within the last three years. I've never heard them say it. Yet I know it is true. I feel a need to just say it. I've hit a new wave or another layer or an edge of grief. I am grieving. I feel a little bit like I am completely out of control because I just never seem to know lately how I'm going to react. One moment I can be completely fine and the next the tears and swirl of emotions are right there.

Grief is such an odd thing. At least I find it odd. It seems to come up and flood over everything. I feel depressed, lonely, worried, angry, sad, obsessed - just to name a few of the mixture of emotions. I know there is no timeline for grieving. It hits everyone differently. I know this in a rational kind of way. Just like I know that what I feel right now is completely normal. But my heart and my emotions don't feel normal and I wish somehow I could say ah.... according to this timeline for grief I will be finished with this in X amount of time.

I had what they call anticipatory grief before Mom died. Then after she died I've had all sorts of emotions, but they have passed quickly and I've felt as if I was doing fairly well with it all. This new wave - well it feels tidal. It feels like there is nothing I can do but allow it to overcome me. This grief - it's wiping me out and I feel myself tumbling under it. I don't know how to get out of it so the only way is through.

My thinking is so skewed and twisted by this grief that I'm having thoughts of calling this blogging thing quits. I try to make a few changes here. I've gotten stuck on a few things I'd like to do. And I watch the community of blogs I read move farther and farther ahead of me at such a rapid pace it's making me feel at the very least defeated. Then it is rather comical - but it seems that most of the blogs I go read are getting this thinking blog award and I'm beginning to feel like the ugliest of ugly ducklings. The comedy is that I'm not really thinking - mostly over the last 11 months I've been grieving. I know I haven't had a so called "thinking blog." I know my blog has been sluggish over the last many months -with few posts and with outdated stuff on it - I know I haven't nurtured my blogging community with lots of comments and support. And the blogs getting the thinking awards - well I have yet to see one that hasn't deserved it. Still, in my own state of mind, I'm just about ready to go crawl under a rock and hide.

With blogging - what was so joyous a year ago in March and April of 2006 - now feels washed away under a tidal wave of loss.
Most of the time I'm okay. What can I do about the fact that I lost my Dad when I was 25 and my mom now? I know I wasn't able to properly grieve my Dad's death- for one thing the family per my Dad and Mom's wishes had no memorial or funeral for him. So of course what can I do about the fact that having emptied their house of its contents and preparing to put it up for sale would not only cause me to grieve Mom's death but also my Dad's 13 years later? What can I do about any of this except muddle on through? Just surrender to the wave........maybe when it washes me up on shore I can get back to thinking, blogging, or creating. Until then I'm going to try to stay away from the delete buttons on this blog.