Learn to... be what you are, and learn to resign with a good grace all that you are not. ~Henri Frederic Amiel
Just for the record I want to admit something. Of course this won't be news to my family and friends who know me in real life. What I hope to accomplish by admitting this fact out loud here on this blog is the beginning of healing. I think that I've spent too long trying to deny that "I am a sensitive person." I go beyond my limits and before I know it I become overwhelmed and over stimulated. Life becomes unbearable and I begin to act like a crazy person. It's during these stressful times that I appear to everyone like I need comfort, consoling, fixing. Yet when I respond to others attempts to help by wailing more they react with impatience, frustration. And the most vicious cycle occurs which is this ........because I am so perceptive to their reaction to me - their upset becomes mine and now not only am I upset about my stuff but I'm upset about upsetting those I love.
So how does one stop this? Well, I hope the first step is to just admit the problem. Or in this case I feel I need to admit that no matter how old I get I am not outgrowing being a sensitive person. I might as well turn toward accepting myself as someone who has a lot of really good things to offer but being a someone who is unflappable with thick skin is not who I am. Yesterday I had a break through moment where I realized that I would make my life easier and everyone's life around me easier if I stopped denying this sensitivity.
Maybe then I would stop going beyond my limits so much. I might notice sooner that I am overstimulated. I might notice sooner that I just need to get away. Hey maybe I might even begin to realize that when others are getting frustrated with me because I am not responding to their efforts to comfort me that maybe what I need to do is thank them and withdrawal into a quiet dark room for a while. It ultimately comes down to me - I'm the one who needs to realize oh I'm over my limit and maybe I am also the one who needs to give herself permission to withdrawal - to take a break. I hate that I am unable to be as tough as some cultural standard I've imagined I have to live up to. I think others can handle this so I should be able to handle it to and I push myself too far.
In the last week, I've celebrated my birthday, I've felt a lot of feelings, I sculpted in clay those feelings, I haven't slept straight through the night, I've had about 5 nightmares, I've had someone pull out in front of me in traffic nearly causing an accident, I've thrown a tantrum and scared my cat so bad he attacked me to get me to stop, I've done too much worrying about how we'll manage the care for my mom, the weather has changed and the cold and dry air has cracked open the heels of my feet, I've laughed, I've cried, I've cooked, I've talked too much, I've done some yoga, and the list goes on...........but what I've also done is gotten completely overwhelmed and ignored it.
The good part of being too sensitive is that I'm good at art - I'm good at writing. I'm aware of others feelings and I like to think that I am a kind person to be around. The hard part is I've spent so much time in my life wondering what is wrong with me - I get so upset sometimes over the smallest things. I have often said to myself I am too sensitive for this world. More and more it seems like the sensitive voice is being annihilated in our culture - it's seen as weak in a world that all seems to be taking the stance that aggression is the only way to go.
I know this though - from my own personal experience - it's better to accept who you are. Denying who one is only leads to misery not only for yourself but for those around you who love and care about you. So this is my confession. I am a sensitive soul and I am sorry for the upset I've caused to those I love by denying this fact about myself.
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