This week's artist way theme might have been about abundance and I certainly spent some time reflecting on that topic but for me the week was very much about vulnerability. I uncovered some buried dreams and at the same time I unearthed the grief associated with those cut off dreams. Yet, I have felt inspired and hopeful and open to possibility. I've had the full gamut of emotions and even a full out crying jag. Shifts are happening and I guess I've also noticed shifts from the past that I never really acknowledged and now seem as present today as they once were back then.
I am meditating again on a regular schedule. For the past few years I've been irregular about when and how long I've meditated. I didn't put any pressure on myself about it because I figured I'd keep it alive and active simply by "scratching the itch" as needed. But, lately I have found that I want a regular connection and a regular habitual time. I have found a place (in my bedroom) and a time (near bedtime) and it's working. I think it comes out of so many weeks of writing morning pages and also the joy I feel in doing my daily lumps each day. Now I seem to be folding into the cake batter of my life the ingredient of regular meditation.
Here is a picture of (not all) a large chunk of my books related to the topic of creativity.
With all these books you'd think gosh, she's a blocked artist. What working artist needs that many books on creativity? She must be living as a shadow artist................ No, that really isn't the case - what I am is a shadow teacher of creativity. I love this topic. My favorite bookstores are the ones that actually give "creativity" it's own section instead of scattering the books throughout psychology, self-help, and the art techinique section. I am so much of a shadow teacher that I wouldn't even allow myself to put teacher on my imaginary lives list of 19. By the way, I added a number 20 it is mermaid. Someone blogging the AW inspired this, but my brain can't remember who now- and well there I go trying to avoid the topic at hand.......
But in all seriousness I think the life I'd like to live is about being in service to creativity. To helping others explore and live creative lives. I said something about this to my husband - wanting to teach - and he was surprised because he'd never heard this from me before. Yet as I talked he began to remember - oh yeah I'd mentioned it. This is the thing - I mention it to other people in ways that do not draw attention to it. I even do my best to keep it away from myself because I am living as a shadow.
I've seen my shadow and I have to say I am a little scared of it. I saw a little girl once on Funniest Home Videos who screamed in fear every time she glanced down and sideways and caught sight of her shadow. She would take a few steps and then turn her eyes back and just wail - with this utter look of oh no it's still there! I am like that little girl right now. Getting a glance and wishing I didn't know what I know.
I discovered a new blog this week - well new to me. - Marvelousmadness had a quote by Pema Chodron that I just loved "Never underestimate the inclination to bolt." Oh, here I sit with that inclination to bolt from my own shadow. But I won't - I will sit here with the awareness that my inclination to bolt is high - but I won't bolt. I don't know where this will take me - I may soon be dancing with my own shadow, but right now, I want to bolt while wailing in fear - but I won't - I'll sit. I'll be and I'll wait for the Source to open a door.
In the meantime I will hold up my end of the bargain - I will keep writing the morning pages, feeding my artist imagery via artist dates, doing my reading, working my lumps - ever abundantly grateful for my life and maybe just a little bit of swimming in the flow of true desires.
