Here it is Winter Solstice. I had the opportunity to go to a friend's Solstice fire but it's very cold here tonight and it's 25 miles from my home and I just chose not to do it. Though now I feel kind of reflective and philosophical and perhaps standing in the cold around a fire might have been the perfect thing to do.
Instead, I am sitting here in my warm home with my laptop. My hubby is watching a PBS show that I'm only half listening to. I put candles and lit them into the Nambe candle holders which I brought home from my Mother's house.
It's the return of the light. I actually love the darkness this time of year. I love turning inward. This year I seem to need it more than ever. My mind is getting more and more jumbled as the days go on. I'm starting to want to hibernate.
This need to pull within is part of grieving - and yet some of it is seasonal. I somehow managed to send cards to most of the people I usually send cards. I put up the Christmas tree with my husband's help. Last year we had just moved and we were just too tired to move another thing much less unpack ornaments. This year I wanted to see the tree and I have inherited more ornaments from my Mother. I'm still kind of amazed I've managed to do these Christmas type of things.
My brother sent a sweet little heart ornament with a picture of our Mother in it. I'm glad to have the tree to gaze upon.
My mind is jumbled though. I have more thank you's to write. We asked that instead of flowers donations be made to CureAutismNow.org. In the mail, Christmas cards and sympathy cards arrive and my head is spinning from all the correspondence that's occurred in the last several weeks. My sister and I have begun the business of settling our Mother's estate. Slowly I begin to move things from Mother's to my own home. At times, it becomes overwhelming.
I miss my mom. At times I feel the pain so strongly I think - gosh - I might as well be being stabbed it hurts that much. I also know that these things pass like waves. Other times I feel such immense gratitude for people and situations it's like my spirit is soaring. The strong extremes then seem to make my mind and soul crave rest.
So, rest is my wish for this night that births the returning light. May warmth radiate out to you and yours.
