I feel rusty (see previous post) not in an aged and antique way - but just in a creative way. This is one of my struggles. An ongoing struggle to keep the creative tap going. I haven't been stocking my creative pond enough nor turning on the tap so I feel like the flow is rusty and murky and mucky. I confess I have been horrible this month at keeping up with my daily lumps. I took my supplies to Texas with me - but the last day there and the day we drove back I told myself it was okay to skip. Since then I've been on a slippery slope - missing more days. One of my goals today will be to get into my studio after I post this and do my lump. That way I won't have the excuse of being sad and tired at the end of the day.
Of course I know what is causing my lack of creative oomph. First I can see all the little things over the past 6 weeks - blogging the artist way ended, I finished my clay class, my focus shifted to the trip to Texas, I stopped taking myself on artist dates, etc......... and all of that is just the little stuff.
Last Sunday I told you all I have a sick relative. I've decided to tell you all that it is my mother who is sick. I've decided to just let it out there. I didn't start this blog to write about this but it is a part of my life right now. I cannot deny it's existence because the more I try to put a wall around it and keep it from my creativity the more blocked and miserable I seem to get. I really love blogging and I need this expression to keep my creative energy flowing. So I've decided to put this sad info out there in the hopes that it will at least keep me from blocking my creative energy completely.
My mother is 80 years old. I have seen a decline in her over the past 6 months. Her annual doctor visit revealed she's very anemic. They have done a CAT scan and a needle biopsy but so far they do not know what exactly is wrong. They suspect it is lymphoma. I'm not alone in dealing this - my sister is right there - thank God for sisters! We don't exactly know what the journey will be but I feel myself preparing for a journey.
My plan is to keep blogging as I have before about my creative life. I plan to keep participating in things like the Sunday Scribble and Studio Friday. However, today, I decided not to write the Sunday Scribble although it was fun to go down memory lane into first love and I did a little private scribbling about it. I have just decided I need to post this more than I need to post the Sunday Scribble. So it may be like this for a while - sometimes I will participate and sometimes I won't. I'm giving myself permission to just keep my flow going anyway I can and not worry about making every assignment.
I'm giving myself permission to be sad and not hide it or deny it
I'm giving myself permission to create and be creative
I'm giving myself permission to be alive and feel deeply even if that doesn't always look pretty
I'm giving myself permission to not always be perfect
I'm giving myself permission to savor each moment and forgiveness for when I forget
I'm giving myself permission to be raw and express the truth
I don't know why but this quote comes to me. So I'll leave with this.
"When you hold back on life, LIFE holds back on you." Mary Manin Morrisey
