stop looking and see

I see people on Blogger mention this is my 100th post. I've looked and looked for where on Blogger I'd find that information. Turns out it is right on my dashboard when I sign on. It has been in the most obvious place right in front of my eyes all along. I knew I was close to 100 and last night when I finally saw the obvious I can report that this is my 107th post. You can read 105 of them as I also have two draft posts that I never published but I haven't wanted to erase them.

What is that phenomenon that when one is looking and searching for something one tends to miss the obvious - it can come up and kiss you or smack you right between the eyes and still one tends to say - no, I'm looking but I don't see it. Our looking sometimes distracts us from actually seeing what is before our eyes.



Since a number of the regular blogs I read have gone into summer vacation mode I started visiting other blogs last night. Some I used to read daily but for some reason stopped visiting with such frequency and others I may have discovered and bookmarked but not yet made a habit of regular reading.

While wandering, I came across this Mary Oliver poem at Sacred Ordinary Here is the poem that I copied from Sacred Ordinary: (But go visit her because she has some wonderful photos and words.)

My work is loving the world.
Here the sunflowers, there the hummingbird--
equal seekers of sweetness.
Here the quickening yeast; there the blue plums.
Here the clam deep in the speckled sand.

Are my boots old? Is my coat torn?
Am I no longer young, and still not half-perfect?
Let me keep my mind on what matters,
which is my work,

which is mostly standing still and learning to be astonished.
The phoebe, the delphinium.
The sheep in the pasture, and the pasture.
Which is mostly rejoicing, since all ingredients are here,

which is gratitude, to be given a mind and a heart
and these body-clothes,
a mouth with which to give shouts of joy
to the moth and the wren, to the sleepy dug-up clam,
telling them all, over and over, how it is
that we live forever.

and then at Amystery in her sidebar she quoted Mary Oliver - "To pay attention, this is our endless and proper work" Something about reading this inspiration after reading at Sacred Ordinary caused me to stop for a moment. To feel for a small bit how immense and lovely it is to be alive. I may get caught up in the struggle of daily chores. I may be feeling all sorts of worry over my mother's still unknown illness. I may think that I don't really have a darn thing to say either through words or clay and that I'm a failure at creating a proper career. I can spin down that drain.......OR.....

I can listen to Mary Oliver and remember that I have only one task in this life......."it's loving the world" - how it is - it is learning to really see instead of being so busy looking. It is "to pay attention" and most of it is holding in my heart this prayer of Oliver's

"Let me keep my mind on what matters,
which is my work,
which is mostly standing still and learning to be astonished."

three cheers

I have to cheer for myself just a little bit. There are three things I try to do for myself each day. I create out of clay my daily lump. I exercise (get the heart rate up on the treadmil for 30 min) and I meditate. Soul, body, and spirit have all been taken care of today. Some days, like today, are easy. In fact, I had such a great time exercising. I wish that would happen everyday. I am just grateful for when it does happen.
My mind is chaos - so the meditation wasn't as settled - but even so I could sit there for 15 minutes and just keep coming back to stillness until I caught my mind making up a shopping list and composing a blog entry again - and again return to stillness. Grateful for always returning to the stillness of BEING.
I also made my lump. It was rough and quick. I clay sketched the bunny and quail eating peacefully together under the birdfeeder. This was a sight I saw this morning out my window - they don't fight for the food - they just eat.
I just wanted to give a cheer for the little things. The routines. The small basic gestures of self care. I don't always get to all three each and every day but today I did. Now I have lots to go run and do but it seems a little easier with some self care. What can you do today to give yourself a little extra care?

Sad news and rusty part 2

I feel rusty (see previous post) not in an aged and antique way - but just in a creative way. This is one of my struggles. An ongoing struggle to keep the creative tap going. I haven't been stocking my creative pond enough nor turning on the tap so I feel like the flow is rusty and murky and mucky. I confess I have been horrible this month at keeping up with my daily lumps. I took my supplies to Texas with me - but the last day there and the day we drove back I told myself it was okay to skip. Since then I've been on a slippery slope - missing more days. One of my goals today will be to get into my studio after I post this and do my lump. That way I won't have the excuse of being sad and tired at the end of the day.

Of course I know what is causing my lack of creative oomph. First I can see all the little things over the past 6 weeks - blogging the artist way ended, I finished my clay class, my focus shifted to the trip to Texas, I stopped taking myself on artist dates, etc......... and all of that is just the little stuff.

Last Sunday I told you all I have a sick relative. I've decided to tell you all that it is my mother who is sick. I've decided to just let it out there. I didn't start this blog to write about this but it is a part of my life right now. I cannot deny it's existence because the more I try to put a wall around it and keep it from my creativity the more blocked and miserable I seem to get. I really love blogging and I need this expression to keep my creative energy flowing. So I've decided to put this sad info out there in the hopes that it will at least keep me from blocking my creative energy completely.

My mother is 80 years old. I have seen a decline in her over the past 6 months. Her annual doctor visit revealed she's very anemic. They have done a CAT scan and a needle biopsy but so far they do not know what exactly is wrong. They suspect it is lymphoma. I'm not alone in dealing this - my sister is right there - thank God for sisters! We don't exactly know what the journey will be but I feel myself preparing for a journey.

My plan is to keep blogging as I have before about my creative life. I plan to keep participating in things like the Sunday Scribble and Studio Friday. However, today, I decided not to write the Sunday Scribble although it was fun to go down memory lane into first love and I did a little private scribbling about it. I have just decided I need to post this more than I need to post the Sunday Scribble. So it may be like this for a while - sometimes I will participate and sometimes I won't. I'm giving myself permission to just keep my flow going anyway I can and not worry about making every assignment.

I'm giving myself permission to be sad and not hide it or deny it
I'm giving myself permission to create and be creative
I'm giving myself permission to be alive and feel deeply even if that doesn't always look pretty
I'm giving myself permission to not always be perfect
I'm giving myself permission to savor each moment and forgiveness for when I forget
I'm giving myself permission to be raw and express the truth

I don't know why but this quote comes to me. So I'll leave with this.
"When you hold back on life, LIFE holds back on you." Mary Manin Morrisey

Studio Friday - Antiqued/Aged

I feel a little rusty when it comes to participating in Studio Friday. I just haven't been able to get it together in the last several weeks. Seems appropriate to jump in for this week's theme of Antiqued/Aged.

So of course first I submit my rusty self -


Over the past several years I have developed an aesthetic fondness for rusty bits of stuff. I tend to pick up little things I find that have aged and rusted. Here's a small sample of recent finds.



Below is my stash of rusty circles. I could have submitted this one for the secret stash SF topic several weeks back but I didn't think of it. I also found that old mouse trap.



Sometimes I actually assemble art with my found bits. Here is a piece from 2004 made with found rusty metal, the bottom of a glass bottle I found broken just like that, and some lovely Japanese paper.



If you want to see more aged and antiqued Studio Friday submissions follow this link.

5 items meme

No one tagged me for this -and forgive me for not giving you all credit - I've seen it a lot of places lately but cannot remember where specifically. I thought it would be fun to play.

5 items in my fridge

1. 1/2 and 1/2 (a must for my coffee)
2. apples
3. Guinness (these are my hubby's)
4. organic milk
5. hummingbird juice (we make up a big batch and store the extra in the fridge)

5 items in my closet

1. Suitcases
2. Yoga bag that says "whatever the question the answer is more yoga now" It was a gift from my yoga teacher who runs the Yoga Now studio
3. Earring holder I made with window screen material and a picture frame
4. Steel toed work books (yes they are mine no woman should be without them)
5. A big stuffed animal frog my Dad won for me at the state fair when I was in middle school.

5 items in my car

1. cell phone charger
2. foldable storage bins
3. cooler (when I leave home I bring ice packs)
4. post it note from my hubby
5. sun shade

5 items in my purse

1. cell phone
2. Burt's Bee beeswax lip balm
3. small notebook (I call it my auxiliary brain because it holds my shopping lists and etc info I need to keep track of) and a pen
4. kleenex
5. hand sanitizer (I'm a Virgo and the last two items make me feel prepared)

I'm adding a 5th category to this meme for balance
5 items in my studio

1. Magique
2. jade plant (it's been here a few weeks and so far I've kept it alive!)
3. music CDs
4. angel my spring sprite sent me! thank you!
5. Tibetan bell

If you would like to do this meme go for it!

Sunday Scribble {8}

I was traveling last weekend and wasn't able to do the scribble number 7. This weeks topic is Three Wishes. Go here to read the poem that goes with the topic. Here is my scribble:


We use wish all the time. I wish the clouds would go away or I wish it would rain. I wish 5 o'clock would get here so I could leave this job of drudgery. I wish I had a mocha latte. I wish my headache would go away. I wish I had maid. You get the idea. Seems like we are always wishing for some kind of discomfort to go away or something to come to us to help ease our discomfort.

What if the fairy did come and said you may have three wishes? We start shaking in our shoes and tip toeing around our fears. Suddenly this means we must choose - and they must be really good big life altering wishes. Then we get fearful we are being greedy or selfish or that there is a catch to it all that means we may win the lottery but be hit by a bus the next day.

I pondered all of this yesterday. I cheated and even went to read some of the other entries. I'd rather just write my scribble and then see what others are doing - but yesterday I pondered. Actually, I was in a terrible funk. I've been off track since my trip to Texas but the biggest thing is that someone very close to me is sick and there is enough info to be very scared and not enough info to know what it is. As we wait for more tests and I try to stay positive I find myself falling into a funk. I'm having trouble blogging, doing my daily lumps, starting new creative projects, or just expressing because I feel all my fears lurking and clinging around me.

So it's been an interesting several days and then to ponder what my wishes would be I had to sift through all the fears. My wishes went from I wish for good health for my sick relative. I wish for rain in the drought stricken areas like where I live. I wish for sunshine in the rain soaked areas. I wish we could find out how the mice are getting in the ceiling. I wish for peace on earth and the end of suffering. On and on. With only three wishes - and my immediate worries looming so large and then such a world in need it all seems so daunting.

This morning, my cold is quite a bit better. I started thinking again -I must do the Sunday Scribble. Three wishes. I thought about the poem by Annette Wynne that goes with the topic. I thought about how if I was a little child and I heard that poem - off I'd be running wishes. I wish and wish and wish. I wouldn't be worrying about saving the whole world. I wouldn't have to think let that all go and go with the flow of your imagination. As I child I'd just play. And when I wore out one wish I'd replace it with another.

It got me thinking I wish I could use my imagination more for good than for imagining the worst. I wish we could have a joyous imagination revolution. One in which we each start imagining good things and that the world leaders could play with each other in harmony.

Then I started to think what if I approached it as if I was to pick three of the smallest wishes. Not big life altering ones. What if I wished for this cold to go away. I wished for a kind act to perform for some stranger. What if I wished just to be happy in this moment. Maybe if those small wishes were granted they could be just as life altering. Maybe if I didn't have the cold I would be out in public say at the grocery store. And a frazzled father with a gallon of milk is behind me in line. I could let him go ahead of me in line. What if that allowed him to get home a bit sooner and be able to catch his toddler just before he was about to tumble down the stairs. I'd like to think that if I was granted one small happy moment that it could be a spark that would light up more moments of happiness.

And my three wishes that bubble up to the surface this morning after pondering it all yesterday would be these:
To be content and accepting of what is. In other words to live in the present moment.
To be grateful - to experience each moment with appreciation and gratitude.
To give - to be kind to myself and to others.

But I won't deny my childlike imagination to play and change these wishes as my whim desires. To read other entries go to Sunday Scribblings

More critters

As you may have deduced from my previous post - I went on a trip to Texas last week. It was a trip to visit my husband's family. I met that giraffe at a place called Fossil Rim It was my first visit to the place though I have heard a lot about it.

Near Fossil Rim is Dinosaur Valley State Park. This is where I got this photo of miss caterpillar climbing a blue bonnet flower. The blue bonnets were a little past their prime - but I don't think it bothered miss caterpillar and I sure got a close up view. I cropped this photo a little so you could see her shiny face.


To go with the Texas state flower I have a picture of the Texas state bird - The mockingbird. I've always liked mockingbirds - but usually it is one or two. We saw them everywhere. This bird had about 5 other birds nearby and I almost got sick of hearing their constant singing! I felt like I was at a mockingbird poetry slam! The winner gets a mate - oh, baby!



My husband's family is very nice - how could they not be because my husband is very nice. I am however glad to be home. I'm not a good traveler - I get unbalanced and unfortunately, I came down with a cold upon returning home. Ack! Hence my slow time back into the groove of blogging.......

Where ya been?

I met this big guy in Texas. I'm not quite up to blogging speed yet - but I'm back and will slowly get back to the usual posting. Stay tuned............

Bougainvillea

Well, my dear readers....you may not find a new post here for a few days. I don't think I'll be able to do much blogging in the next 8 days....but if I can sneak it in I will because I may go into blogging withdrawal. Please, please come back to visit me again. I promise I will return. Until we meet again here is a pretty picture cheer you. Have a great week my friends!

Sunday Scribble {6}

I made a clay lump into a little 2 inch Birkenstock as inspiration for the Sunday Scribble topic
MY SHOES......


This woman squeezed by me in the narrow aisle of the shoe store. Surrounded by a sea of sandals in every shape and color. She had on sandals in an orange color with a multicolored weave and it looked like the sandals had found their home on her feet. I complimented her. She said "I would buy more of these if I could find them." She wasn't having any more luck than I was at finding the next great pair of sandals. I said to her I'm not the kind of woman who enjoys shoe shopping. I thought to myself - did I just say that? - how depressing. I must be an alien woman - don't all women love buying shoes? Oh, I get it - I've been manipulated by mass marketing to believe I must love buying shoes in order to be a perfect woman. I may need an attitude adjustment just to make shoe shopping easier- but it's true my feet find it hard to shoe shop.

I have fantasies about wearing sparkly narrow flat little flip flops. Or some of the sandals that have such nice designs on the edge and look so good on someone else's feet. The flip flops just don't give my feet enough support and after a battle with plantar fasciitis I don't even bother looking at them. The other sandals don't work because most times that attractive cut out design on the side causes my pinky toe to poke out.
My preferred sandal is a Birkenstock. There is an arch support molded into them. I never have trouble with my baby toe hanging out the side. Yet, I've become tired of them as a fashion statement. Well, lets face it - they really aren't much of a fashion statement - unless one is sticking with the 60's forever. So, I was in search for a new dressier pair of sandals.
Where I wanted to go was the section of Teva sandals. Ah, yes you are getting me now......I prefer comfort over style. Yes, be afraid, be very afraid -- I fear I may end up wearing old ladies sandals before my time. I know Teva sandals are not old lady sandals - they are sporty things you can walk through rivers and hike through canyons wearing. They also don't bother my arch and they have adjustable straps. What more could a girl want? Except a lighter color. The black Tevas get hot in the southwest sun!

Lo and behold a beige Teva! - oh, not my size. I had them check the other store and yes, they have my size. So the next day and 10 miles to the other side of town I went. While the salesclerk was getting the shoes I pulled out two other pairs of dressier sandals. One was an immediate dislike on my foot. The other was the taos - heaven on my foot. Okay this taos sandal isn't very dressy - and it certainly isn't a fantasy shoe - but it will work and it feels good on my feet.
After a long sweaty afternoon in one shoe store I was able to go to the other store and in 20 minutes buy two new pairs of sandals. Ah, I will still fantasize about the cute colorful sandals I wish I could wear. I may even branch out into dreaming about a high healed beauty. And if you are a woman who can wear almost any sandal and especially if you are the sales girl who helped me at the second store - thank your lucky stars for the feet you have that can wear such wonderfully happy sparkly flip flops. Yet, I know I am happy in my new sandals and grateful my feet don't hurt all the time.

my new sandals - ta da!!!!!!


Just as a side note - I don't think I will ever be able to wear certain shoes due to needing arch support. However, I began practicing yoga last year. My teacher tells us all the time to spread our toes out. That is hard to do at first. She also reminds me to balance the weight on my foot out to my little toe and that has done wonders for the arch in my foot. Thank you Meta.

And thank you to Laini and Megg for this walking scribbling topic - go check out the other scribbles

Haiku

I wrote a haiku and it really isn't any wonderful thing but I'm going to post it because Life's Journey inspired me to write a haiku this morning and it is Poetry Thursday.

Beast
desperate clawing
fear hidden in a garage
open door freedom run

For the background of this poem you need to see yesterday's post. Since there has been no further destruction in the garage in the last 24 hours I think the mystery beast is gone. We are back to thinking it may have been a rabbit. We found a hair. My husband focused his telescope on a rabbit out at the base of the bird feeder and we studied it up close and personal. It sure looks like we found a rabbit hair. Ah a clue Watson - a hair of a hare!!!!


So, it's poetry thursday. And Poetry Thursday has a new blog - Wahoo! I think it looks great. At this point I don't think I will be a regular participant, but I will be a regular reader. I have discovered poetry through the internet. I've always liked poetry when it is read out loud. I've never been much of a reader of poetry. I know it helps to read poetry out loud to yourself. I've never bothered to go check out poetry books. Over the last several months I've discovered that blogs are exposing me to poetry without any effort. And it's very stimulating to have this wonderful broadcast of poetry flowing into my life.

The other thing I've noticed is that during April - National Poetry Month - the library had a book display. I checked out a Billy Collins book. What I discovered from that - is reading poetry in bed before sleep is perfect. I can actually start and finish a poem or several poems before I fall asleep. Reading fiction is hard because about the only time I read it is right before bed and I never stick with it for long so I end up frustrated that the story goes so slow and each night I have to re-remember the story. With poetry I can have a complete reading experience. I wouldn't have realized this if it hadn't been for the exposure to poetry I've been unconsciously receiving out in blogland.

I have to give a little plug to The Harwood Art Center in Albuquerque. They just published a poetry book by 74 New Mexico writers. It is awesome. It's called the Harwood Anthology edited by Susan McAllister and Becky Holtzman and published by Old School Books. Right now on the home page of The Harwood Art Center they have all the info and a picture of the book. I wasn't able to find a link where one could purchase it online - but I bet you could call Bookworks to order a copy.

I think the internet and blogging is bringing new life to poetry. I want to thank all the wonderful bloggers who are exposing poetry sometimes their own and sometimes others. It's stimulating me and causing me to notice more and more poetry. Thanks to you all - now go read and live some poetry!!

the devil in my garage

Wild animals in the garage............


I don't know how well you can see this picture. It is a window in my garage. Yesterday, I came home to find some things turned over in the garage. I should have thought it was a break in - but I was afraid my cat had gotten out. I ran inside the house - found my cats sleeping safely inside. I went back into the garage. Checked the doors wondered what happened. Then I saw the wood on the work table and thought where did that come from? I raised the window shade and saw the destruction of the window frame. There is a wild animal or was a wild animal in the garage. When my husband got home we investigated it thoroughly. Found nothing - so we gave up.
This morning my husband says to me "Don't let any more wildlife into the garage" as he's leaving. We open the garage door. He sees something run off. We go to the open garage door - I look by my kiln and there is evidence of this creature's destruction from last night. It tore up some insulation around the base of the garage. It also manage to get up to the window photographed above and did that damage. Now both garage windows are torn up!
I try to tell myself - this is the adventure of living up here in the wilderness. I try to remind myself that wildlife is just living in their home and the truth is we are the invaders. Yet, I feel as if I have a destructive demon living in the garage. And how are we going to get rid of it.

What is it???? Well, I was thinking it was a rabbit trying to dig it's way out of the garage. Ah, damn rabbits. They are cute but not if they are this destructive. Then I told my neighbors this story and she said it's probably a pack rat! Ugh!!!!!!!!!! UGH, UGH, UGH!!!! She said mothballs might repel a pack rat - might - she wasn't very reassuring - but I'm off to buy a big old container of mothballs.

Sunday Scribbling {5}

Why do I live where I live? Near Albuquerque, New Mexico, USA

The short answer is I was born here. I almost went to college here, but I was nudged to go to a college out of state. After college I wanted to stay in that college town. I kind of meandered my way through various jobs and finally decided on a graduate school in that same small college town. Everything was going great - until suddenly it wasn't. Isn't that the way that life works sometimes?

One day you wake up and you find yourself in what they call a "dark night of the soul." At first it's like the rug comes completely out from under you and your flat on your back. Once you get back up - it seems like everything should be as it was before except now it seems like the whole room has been rearranged. Where you once had a comfy upholstered chair now in its place is a loose wiggly wooden chair that when you sit in it you feel as if the whole thing is going to collapse under you. After a while you start to feel so uncomfortable that you just know it's time to leave.

I looked all over for a new place to move. I kept looking at small college towns. Grasping at the notion that I could move to a new college town and have what I had before the rug slipped. Something in me wouldn't allow me to move to any of these places. I guess I knew if I moved I'd find myself again in that very uncomfortable room with the nearly broken chair. So I made a hard choice, but one that felt right. I moved back to my home town.

I knew that it was time to look under that rug - to examine in depth all the things I had swept under it and the foundation that the rug laid upon. I knew I had to grow up and face the things. I knew it would be difficult work. It WAS difficult work. It took me far longer to get through than I ever imagined. Eventually, I did begin to resolve some things. I bought a house - I let go - I sent down roots back into New Mexico.

I met my husband. All because I moved back and grew up and was finally ready. He's responsible for where I live now. Okay, it was as much my choice as his. He didn't force me to move out here to Placitas. Where I live now is about 25 miles away from the house that I lived as a child. It's nearly in the wilderness. I have neighbors so I am not isolated. Every morning I am aware of the just how different this place is from my college town or my home town city. I see bunny rabbits and big jack rabbits. I see quail. I hear coyotes howl in the night. Hawks and buzzards and crows glide over. Squirrels and mice leave their footprints in the dust at my back door. I know there are snakes too - though I haven't seen them yet. The elevation is about 1500 feet higher than in the city below.



This home has views. I never imagined myself in a home with views. I was used to hearing traffic and having a view of my backyard to the wall and then the next door neighbors house. I haven't yet seen the views through all four seasons yet -we've only been here for 6 months.
I live out here because my husband grew up in the country. I live out here because my husband had a strong need to have some space around him. I live out here because it was my choice and though my husband's desire propelled us up here into the mountains I am fully aware that I had the rudder. At any point I could have said - no I cannot move out of the city. I wasn't exactly sure if I would like it out here. Would I get lonely?

Placitas is a place with a bunch of houses but rural - there is no government - no town square. It has a few gathering spots - the little mini mart gas station where the men "shoot the sh*t" as they say. It has a small fledgling library. There are a lot of artists and sometimes studio tours and events for music or poetry. There is a winery. And a beauty salon. A couple of restaurants, and art gallery, and a small grocery store. You get to know people randomly - here or there. Maybe if you volunteer with the library or the recycling or the fire department you have an opportunity to meet more people. Yet, if you want to be a hermit - it is quite possible out here. It has a much deeper history too - but I won't elaborate on that today.

I confess that it is my own hermit tendencies that has allowed me to feel quite comfortable out here. I find when I do go into the city I am able to connect with other people because this place with it's big sky recharges my energy. I am not an anti social person, but it does tend to drain my energy to be with other people. So this place I live renews my energy and at a basic fundamental level I live where I live because it feels good. I feel very blessed to live where I do. I feel very blessed to live where I do with my husband. New Mexico is called the Land of Enchantment - it is a wondrous place and I guess that is also why I live here.