This morning after two nights of not sleeping well or long enough I was throwing a big old pity party in my head and saying wahhhhh for me I have to go to my clay class. My morning pages which I managed to write were one stream of three pages of this drivel. I was saying why did I sign up for this class. It's too hard - I'm not much of a clay artist - driving an hour to get there - what was I thinking?!?!?!.....blah, blah, blah. Then right before I left I read a few lines in The Artist's Way - that part about filling in the form - taking the next small step. So I told myself I'm just going to class. I'm filling in a line on the form and I don't have to learn everything.
Cameron says,"Creative people are dramatic, and we use negative drama to scare ourselves out of our creativity with this notion of wholesale and often destructive change." Oh, yes, I do that especially with clay. I scare myself out of my creativity because I get overwhelmed by the technical knowledge and special equipment needed to pursue ceramics. And clay is often paved with big heavy chunky failures of stuff that didn't do what you'd hoped it would once it emerged from the kiln. Sometimes, just that drama is enough to scare me out of my creativity for it.
I went to class. I showed my teacher my sculpture of a head I had created at home this week. She gave me some help with it. I told her I wanted to make stacks of clay rocks and maybe an animal totem. She gave me info on how to do that. I kept working. I was feeling much much better. The day shifted and before I knew it all those negative "you can't do it" thoughts had evaporated away.
I had a few more questions for my teacher and when she was answering them she told me that she once was an assistant to an artist who made a lot of clay rocks. Oh, I thought (synchronicity) could I be asking the exactly right person for help - maybe the Source nudged me to this teacher because she could help me make these stacks of clay objects I visualize vaguely in my head. I didn't even realize this is what I wanted to do - but I needed to focus in on some kind of project for this class and this is what seemed to come to me with the most juicy energy.
Gosh, I'm tired. I just hope I'll sleep tonight....but I know that I'm just filling in the form. One line, one lump, one day at a time and hopefully tonight one sweet dream at a time.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Cycles - willing to begin again
Semanas piece: Week 51 - Strength 5 in. X5 in.
This art piece is from a 52 week art project. I participated with a group of women in 2004. We each created a weekly art piece. We called the project Semanas (spanish for weeks). This is the piece I did for week 51. I put my writing with each piece - and this is the little bit of writing that went with this piece:
This piece was an experiment. I’ve been playing with beeswax as a collage glue and effect. So in that spirit I sat down to just combine some different things and see what develops. I feel as if I have gone through a transformation with this year of semanas. I feel as if I’ve gained strength. My art making muscles were weak, but now after 51 weeks I feel stronger and able to fly on to other art projects. Most significantly, I feel as if I’m back in the habit of starting and finishing an art project.I realize after rereading this text that creativity and art making and life all ebbs and flows. In 2004 I was feeling like I'd gotten back on track, but in the meantime my husband and I started building a house. Most of 2005 stopped me from focusing on my little art projects or more honestly I choose to let it stop me. I could write so much about the Semanas project and I could write so much about the process of building a house, but what I wanted to write about here was how I see there is larger vision of creativity moving as a spiral. Sometimes it feels like a lot is happening. I'm in one of those periods now with the blog and the Artist's Way and a ceramic clay renewal. I also see that I really wasn't so far off track last year although at the time I felt very empty and desperate. Yet look at how quickly I've dropped back into my creative world.
Our Semanas group evolved last year into a new art project we are calling Luna. Named for the moon and the plan to make a larger monthly art piece. I think that every one of us is behind on our work or hasn't really done the work as we had originally intended. I wanted to work with the cycle of the new moon and life just got in the way. I don't want to try to go backward and recreate work for each month that has passed. I want to just begin again where I am at currently. So tonight our group will meet after several months of not having a face to face meeting. We will share whatever work we've done. I plan to share some of my daily lumps. I am considering sharing my blog address as well. I feel like being able to write for my blog has given me such a creative renewal. I'm not sure I'd have work to share tonight if I hadn't started this blog nearly 2 months ago.
It's all cycles. There has been an ebb in the Luna group. We haven't stayed as connected and life has brought us all different challenges. And I realize this - we named our group after the moon partly because several of us had heard an artist Meinrad Craighead say "the moon is the patron of artists because like artists it begins again and again and again." Upon reflection this morning, this I know deep in my heart- that we can always, always begin again. The creative flow is never the same each time we dip our fingers and toes into it - and sometimes it seems to dry up completely - and yet it's there. It's there!
So, I am going to the Luna group tonight and leaving this post to say I begin again within this Luna group. I share this at the beginning of week 8 in the Artist's Way - the topic is strength which is why I picked week 51 of the my semanas to show you. I haven't read the chapter but I believe that we build our strength as makers, creators, artists, and dreamers by showing up and being willing to face whatever creative cycle the flow is giving us this day. Creative blessings to you my readers......
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Artist Way week 7 report
This week was good but stressful. I had so many new and different things going on this week that my routines and my inner heart space time got rather discombobulated. I watched too much ice skating from the Olympics and even messed up my meditation time that had been working so well for me. I enjoyed all the things I did this week - the clay class, the massage, the playdate with my sister, my kiln firing and much more. But not until today have I really had a chance to go into the flow of writing. To get lost in that process and I sure missed it this week. I also didn't get much of a chance to visit other blogs and leave comments. So I feel a little weird and disconnected - not only from the others in the AW blogosphere, but also from my own internal heart space.
I did manage to write my morning pages every morning. I don't really count them as the kind of writing that I feel I was lacking this week. I was lacking a kind of writing that borders on composing a piece into "something". The morning pages are just something to wake up by and they don't really drop me into a writing trance. They may warm me up for it later, but this week I was missing the space to putter via writing later in my day. I missed composing my blog posts and dropping into a writing trance. I did put up some blog posts, but without taking the time to drop into the trance and come back out of it to post on the blog. In some ways I'd like to rewrite the Studio Friday post because I think if I'd had the time to go into it I might have been able to really let something insightful for myself bubble up to the surface. Ah, well....writing moves on...as does blog entries and there will yet be more bubbling opportunities for insights.
I did do my daily lumps, but they suffered a little too. Waiting until too late in the day to make them left me with little oomph to have fun with them. The important part is I did them. And I fired my kiln up this week and fired the first couple of weeks of the lumps. Sadly I damaged one of them (the only one I photographed for the Studio Friday entry - Fear). I wasn't firing it- but I knocked it over in it's fragile greenware state and broke the hands off of it. It was a little too top heavy. I may still fire it on the next firing - handless as it is - and I was even a bit amused that I get so afraid of making mistakes with clay and bam I broke the hands off of fear. Could it be that fear is having less power over me - maybe isn't holding me back so much?
My artist date was with my sister this week. We took a walk and worked on journal collages. It was good. I don't recommend every artist date to be with another artist, but occassionally it is nice. Especially, when a proper solo artist date wouldn't likely happen otherwise. The trick is to choose the artist date person carefully. It absolutely must be someone who lets you be who you are and wants to nourish and feed their inner artist too.
I did read the week's chapter. There were a lot of connections (funny that is what we are recovering this week as a theme for the chapter) - but truly there were a lot of connections for me to the topics of perfectionism, risk, and jealousy and to things happening this week. My clay class is a bit of a risk for me - it's taking me out of my comfort zone and that is when perfectionism comes in and tries to mess with me. I didn't really do the exercises this week - but I found myself noticing - oh yeah, there is a risk - I'm getting stuck in trying to be perfect - and jealousy well it didn't come up - though sometimes it does - so I will make a jealousy map.
What really got me was how I saw jealousy coming at me and the effect it often has on me which is to try to hide or minimize my love and joy. That dynamic of jealousy coming from another and how they try to make you feel as if you don't deserve it because they themselves are denying it in their own life. Begrudge is the word. I have to be a little vague about this due to privacy - but I want to mention it because I had a rather big insight. It has to do with the fact that I kind of approach the world in a way that takes a protective stance. I don't want to put my passions out there too strongly because I feel as if the disparager will come in and try to snatch them away from me. The disparager begrudges any good in my life because it feels it lacks it in its own life so it wants to take it away from me. I learned early and often to sort of squash my passions and avoid the wrath of the begrudger.
It's a life pattern to try to please someone who can never be pleased. I wish by denying my own life passions that it would help this other person claim theirs - but it doesn't work that way. If I do that I will end up becoming the disparager who is jealous of another's happiness and begrudges them for it. Dr Dyer has been helpful in reminding me that "you can never get sick enough to make another person well". "You can never become miserable enough to make another person happy" I've tried and he's right. You only end up miserable yourself. No more of that for me...... So what I see this week is about becoming aware of not only my own jealousy and taking actions as an antidote for it - but I see the need to recognize the ways I hold back as a stance in order to avoid other people's jealousy. If I'm not paying close attention to the ways that one comes up then I tend to self sabotage myself by holding back on my passionate life.
I sometimes wonder if I fear success because of failure or if I fear success because of that internalized begrudger. And at times my perfectionism tries to outwit the begrudger and that just means more stress and self sabotage. Awareness though is half the battle as they say. And action is the key. Somewhere I read
Action
Creates
Triumph
So I am off to act. To work in my new clay. As they say on one of my favorite TV shows - "Be a great day!"
I did manage to write my morning pages every morning. I don't really count them as the kind of writing that I feel I was lacking this week. I was lacking a kind of writing that borders on composing a piece into "something". The morning pages are just something to wake up by and they don't really drop me into a writing trance. They may warm me up for it later, but this week I was missing the space to putter via writing later in my day. I missed composing my blog posts and dropping into a writing trance. I did put up some blog posts, but without taking the time to drop into the trance and come back out of it to post on the blog. In some ways I'd like to rewrite the Studio Friday post because I think if I'd had the time to go into it I might have been able to really let something insightful for myself bubble up to the surface. Ah, well....writing moves on...as does blog entries and there will yet be more bubbling opportunities for insights.
I did do my daily lumps, but they suffered a little too. Waiting until too late in the day to make them left me with little oomph to have fun with them. The important part is I did them. And I fired my kiln up this week and fired the first couple of weeks of the lumps. Sadly I damaged one of them (the only one I photographed for the Studio Friday entry - Fear). I wasn't firing it- but I knocked it over in it's fragile greenware state and broke the hands off of it. It was a little too top heavy. I may still fire it on the next firing - handless as it is - and I was even a bit amused that I get so afraid of making mistakes with clay and bam I broke the hands off of fear. Could it be that fear is having less power over me - maybe isn't holding me back so much?
My artist date was with my sister this week. We took a walk and worked on journal collages. It was good. I don't recommend every artist date to be with another artist, but occassionally it is nice. Especially, when a proper solo artist date wouldn't likely happen otherwise. The trick is to choose the artist date person carefully. It absolutely must be someone who lets you be who you are and wants to nourish and feed their inner artist too.
I did read the week's chapter. There were a lot of connections (funny that is what we are recovering this week as a theme for the chapter) - but truly there were a lot of connections for me to the topics of perfectionism, risk, and jealousy and to things happening this week. My clay class is a bit of a risk for me - it's taking me out of my comfort zone and that is when perfectionism comes in and tries to mess with me. I didn't really do the exercises this week - but I found myself noticing - oh yeah, there is a risk - I'm getting stuck in trying to be perfect - and jealousy well it didn't come up - though sometimes it does - so I will make a jealousy map.
What really got me was how I saw jealousy coming at me and the effect it often has on me which is to try to hide or minimize my love and joy. That dynamic of jealousy coming from another and how they try to make you feel as if you don't deserve it because they themselves are denying it in their own life. Begrudge is the word. I have to be a little vague about this due to privacy - but I want to mention it because I had a rather big insight. It has to do with the fact that I kind of approach the world in a way that takes a protective stance. I don't want to put my passions out there too strongly because I feel as if the disparager will come in and try to snatch them away from me. The disparager begrudges any good in my life because it feels it lacks it in its own life so it wants to take it away from me. I learned early and often to sort of squash my passions and avoid the wrath of the begrudger.
It's a life pattern to try to please someone who can never be pleased. I wish by denying my own life passions that it would help this other person claim theirs - but it doesn't work that way. If I do that I will end up becoming the disparager who is jealous of another's happiness and begrudges them for it. Dr Dyer has been helpful in reminding me that "you can never get sick enough to make another person well". "You can never become miserable enough to make another person happy" I've tried and he's right. You only end up miserable yourself. No more of that for me...... So what I see this week is about becoming aware of not only my own jealousy and taking actions as an antidote for it - but I see the need to recognize the ways I hold back as a stance in order to avoid other people's jealousy. If I'm not paying close attention to the ways that one comes up then I tend to self sabotage myself by holding back on my passionate life.
I sometimes wonder if I fear success because of failure or if I fear success because of that internalized begrudger. And at times my perfectionism tries to outwit the begrudger and that just means more stress and self sabotage. Awareness though is half the battle as they say. And action is the key. Somewhere I read
Action
Creates
Triumph
So I am off to act. To work in my new clay. As they say on one of my favorite TV shows - "Be a great day!"
Friday, February 24, 2006
Studio Friday
Studio Friday's topic is:
Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Blue.
Here is a little "moment" from my studio bookshelf. It is the Old and the Blue. When I arranged the items on my shelf I put my tamborine on the shelf and I liked how my Moon Goddess sat with it almost as a halo for her. The blue bottle next to her is the old item. I don't know how old, but older than I am and well, isn't that how we always judge something as being old. The tamborine is actually something that has been with me for a long time though it may not exactly be old (at least by my definition of older than me). It was a gift from my sister when I was a kid. She painted the sides of it so cute with ladybugs and my name. It's one of my treasures from my sister extraordinaire.
The Borrowed and New Category:
Golly, look at all the borrowed library books! A dozen. I have gone a little crazy lately. Some of those books I just checked out and some are on their third renewal and must be returned soon. Honestly, I know I'm not going to be able to read each one in depth. Sometimes I'll check a book out and even if I only get a chance to glance at it - at least I can determine if it is something I'll want to spend more time with later. The Making Ceramic Sculpture book in the background is from my own library. I like the composition of the photo better with the book in the back peeking over the borrowed stack.
What's new in this photo?......It's that 25 lb bag of clay. It's the clay I am using in my clay class. It's clay that is new to me. I've never used this kind before. It also high fires to what's called cone 10 in ceramic lingo. I've worked the most in low fire clay and so to work in high fire is mostly a new if not quite a completely new process for me.
So these are my little snippets from my studio this week. To see what the others are up to go to Studio Friday.
Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Blue.
Here is a little "moment" from my studio bookshelf. It is the Old and the Blue. When I arranged the items on my shelf I put my tamborine on the shelf and I liked how my Moon Goddess sat with it almost as a halo for her. The blue bottle next to her is the old item. I don't know how old, but older than I am and well, isn't that how we always judge something as being old. The tamborine is actually something that has been with me for a long time though it may not exactly be old (at least by my definition of older than me). It was a gift from my sister when I was a kid. She painted the sides of it so cute with ladybugs and my name. It's one of my treasures from my sister extraordinaire.
The Borrowed and New Category:
Golly, look at all the borrowed library books! A dozen. I have gone a little crazy lately. Some of those books I just checked out and some are on their third renewal and must be returned soon. Honestly, I know I'm not going to be able to read each one in depth. Sometimes I'll check a book out and even if I only get a chance to glance at it - at least I can determine if it is something I'll want to spend more time with later. The Making Ceramic Sculpture book in the background is from my own library. I like the composition of the photo better with the book in the back peeking over the borrowed stack.
What's new in this photo?......It's that 25 lb bag of clay. It's the clay I am using in my clay class. It's clay that is new to me. I've never used this kind before. It also high fires to what's called cone 10 in ceramic lingo. I've worked the most in low fire clay and so to work in high fire is mostly a new if not quite a completely new process for me.
So these are my little snippets from my studio this week. To see what the others are up to go to Studio Friday.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Journaling and Morning Pages
This is my Artist Way morning pages notebook. It is a cheap grocery store bought wide ruled notebook. I didn't want to get a hand cramp writing in the tiny college ruled lines so I bought a wide ruled notebook. It is just about full and I'll need to purchase another one soon. I started out this journey writing morning pages on the computer, but I switched to a notebook and haven't gone back. However, I struggle to find the right pen that flows well to write these pages.
It was requested by Blue Dog to get a glimpse of everyone's AW morning page notebooks. My notebook will eventually (after week 8) be reread. I may note the important insights and ideas and then I will probably burn all the drivel and complaints and let the past go. When I did the AW ten years ago I used my normal journal and now I struggle with keeping a bunch of journals that contain mostly throw away writing, but because they are buried within my regular journal writing I don't want to get rid of them. I started this time with the idea that I would keep what I could use and not hold onto any of the rest of it.
Below is a picture of my journal trunk. It contains almost all of the journals I've written since 1981. I've mostly written in spiral notebooks because I like the way they open. With some of them, I collaged the covers.
Here's tip: You can collage the cover and then use clear packaging tape to sort of laminate the cover. Now, you can get sheets of self laminating stuff, but I would often just use several strips of clear packing tape way back when that laminating stuff wasn't available.
One advantage to having a spiral notebook journal is that in my college days it didn't look like a journal - so therefore it didn't attract attention from curious eyes. I have at times used smaller journals that I could carry in a large purse. Those are in this trunk too, but you can't see them as easily as the spiral notebooks. I also started numbering my journals and I have a list of the journal number with the dates of the journal. It really helps me find stuff in them when I want to refer back to a certain period in my life.
Lately, I fill less handwritten notebooks. Much more of my journal writing happens on the computer. I just slowly made a transition to this kind of writing. Not very photogenic but it helps me organize it all better and I find I can write a lot more. I'll always have a handwritten journal because it travels. And I find that my handwritten journals are evolving into a kind of travel sketch book inspiration catcher.
It was requested by Blue Dog to get a glimpse of everyone's AW morning page notebooks. My notebook will eventually (after week 8) be reread. I may note the important insights and ideas and then I will probably burn all the drivel and complaints and let the past go. When I did the AW ten years ago I used my normal journal and now I struggle with keeping a bunch of journals that contain mostly throw away writing, but because they are buried within my regular journal writing I don't want to get rid of them. I started this time with the idea that I would keep what I could use and not hold onto any of the rest of it.
Below is a picture of my journal trunk. It contains almost all of the journals I've written since 1981. I've mostly written in spiral notebooks because I like the way they open. With some of them, I collaged the covers.
Here's tip: You can collage the cover and then use clear packaging tape to sort of laminate the cover. Now, you can get sheets of self laminating stuff, but I would often just use several strips of clear packing tape way back when that laminating stuff wasn't available.
One advantage to having a spiral notebook journal is that in my college days it didn't look like a journal - so therefore it didn't attract attention from curious eyes. I have at times used smaller journals that I could carry in a large purse. Those are in this trunk too, but you can't see them as easily as the spiral notebooks. I also started numbering my journals and I have a list of the journal number with the dates of the journal. It really helps me find stuff in them when I want to refer back to a certain period in my life.
Lately, I fill less handwritten notebooks. Much more of my journal writing happens on the computer. I just slowly made a transition to this kind of writing. Not very photogenic but it helps me organize it all better and I find I can write a lot more. I'll always have a handwritten journal because it travels. And I find that my handwritten journals are evolving into a kind of travel sketch book inspiration catcher.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
What happened to spiritdoll???
Thank you to everyone who left me such kind and generous comments on my last post. I've been busy and haven't had the space to compose a new blog entry. I hadn't bolted in case you were beginning to wonder. Actually, I'm surprised how calm I've felt after putting it right out there that I'd like to teach. For now, I am just trying it on in my head like a play outfit and seeing what it's like to put it out there.
Greenishlady gave me some other words to use which I like very much such as facilitate or empower or support. I don't know what form it will take but I'm seeing what it's like to think up possible paths to helping others using my creativity and helping to nurture their creativity. Certainly, one of my goals with this blog is to offer creative encouragement.
I may see if I could form a face to face creativity group locally. I have an artists group that I'm a part of and will write more about it later this week. I was thinking a group that plays creatively and meets more often than my art group would be a fun thing to facilitate. It's just a thought I'm trying on.
Today, I started my clay class up at Santa Fe Clay. I'm excited about it. I liked the teacher. I'm going to try to make some larger forms. Normally I love to work very small and detailed. Bigger work will be more risky for me and maybe all this Artist Way work and support has inspired me to the challenge. Taking this class will cut into my blogging time which is one reason I am sitting here tonight trying to write an entry and catch up.
Tomorrow I have my massage. I finally scheduled a professional massage. I haven't had a professional massage for about 5 years. Not sure why - just procrastination. Anyway, I'm looking forward to that.
Then Thursday I am cheating and I'm having an artist date with my sister. I think it is good to go inward and listen to your inner artist but sometimes I think it's okay to do an artist date with someone else. Especially if you have an inner artist that gets lonely sometimes and just wants to play with others.
I am a little too tired to write but I was afraid I was neglecting my blog and really I want you all who have been coming to read and to those who have left a comment to know just how much your encouragement and your stories mean to me - I am very grateful. Goodnight ya'all this clay explorer is off to watch a little ice skating and then off to bed.
Greenishlady gave me some other words to use which I like very much such as facilitate or empower or support. I don't know what form it will take but I'm seeing what it's like to think up possible paths to helping others using my creativity and helping to nurture their creativity. Certainly, one of my goals with this blog is to offer creative encouragement.
I may see if I could form a face to face creativity group locally. I have an artists group that I'm a part of and will write more about it later this week. I was thinking a group that plays creatively and meets more often than my art group would be a fun thing to facilitate. It's just a thought I'm trying on.
Today, I started my clay class up at Santa Fe Clay. I'm excited about it. I liked the teacher. I'm going to try to make some larger forms. Normally I love to work very small and detailed. Bigger work will be more risky for me and maybe all this Artist Way work and support has inspired me to the challenge. Taking this class will cut into my blogging time which is one reason I am sitting here tonight trying to write an entry and catch up.
Tomorrow I have my massage. I finally scheduled a professional massage. I haven't had a professional massage for about 5 years. Not sure why - just procrastination. Anyway, I'm looking forward to that.
Then Thursday I am cheating and I'm having an artist date with my sister. I think it is good to go inward and listen to your inner artist but sometimes I think it's okay to do an artist date with someone else. Especially if you have an inner artist that gets lonely sometimes and just wants to play with others.
I am a little too tired to write but I was afraid I was neglecting my blog and really I want you all who have been coming to read and to those who have left a comment to know just how much your encouragement and your stories mean to me - I am very grateful. Goodnight ya'all this clay explorer is off to watch a little ice skating and then off to bed.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Artist's Way Week 6 Check-In
Oscar is checking in.........
This week's artist way theme might have been about abundance and I certainly spent some time reflecting on that topic but for me the week was very much about vulnerability. I uncovered some buried dreams and at the same time I unearthed the grief associated with those cut off dreams. Yet, I have felt inspired and hopeful and open to possibility. I've had the full gamut of emotions and even a full out crying jag. Shifts are happening and I guess I've also noticed shifts from the past that I never really acknowledged and now seem as present today as they once were back then.
I am meditating again on a regular schedule. For the past few years I've been irregular about when and how long I've meditated. I didn't put any pressure on myself about it because I figured I'd keep it alive and active simply by "scratching the itch" as needed. But, lately I have found that I want a regular connection and a regular habitual time. I have found a place (in my bedroom) and a time (near bedtime) and it's working. I think it comes out of so many weeks of writing morning pages and also the joy I feel in doing my daily lumps each day. Now I seem to be folding into the cake batter of my life the ingredient of regular meditation.
Here is a picture of (not all) a large chunk of my books related to the topic of creativity.
With all these books you'd think gosh, she's a blocked artist. What working artist needs that many books on creativity? She must be living as a shadow artist................ No, that really isn't the case - what I am is a shadow teacher of creativity. I love this topic. My favorite bookstores are the ones that actually give "creativity" it's own section instead of scattering the books throughout psychology, self-help, and the art techinique section. I am so much of a shadow teacher that I wouldn't even allow myself to put teacher on my imaginary lives list of 19. By the way, I added a number 20 it is mermaid. Someone blogging the AW inspired this, but my brain can't remember who now- and well there I go trying to avoid the topic at hand.......
But in all seriousness I think the life I'd like to live is about being in service to creativity. To helping others explore and live creative lives. I said something about this to my husband - wanting to teach - and he was surprised because he'd never heard this from me before. Yet as I talked he began to remember - oh yeah I'd mentioned it. This is the thing - I mention it to other people in ways that do not draw attention to it. I even do my best to keep it away from myself because I am living as a shadow.
I've seen my shadow and I have to say I am a little scared of it. I saw a little girl once on Funniest Home Videos who screamed in fear every time she glanced down and sideways and caught sight of her shadow. She would take a few steps and then turn her eyes back and just wail - with this utter look of oh no it's still there! I am like that little girl right now. Getting a glance and wishing I didn't know what I know.
I discovered a new blog this week - well new to me. - Marvelousmadness had a quote by Pema Chodron that I just loved "Never underestimate the inclination to bolt." Oh, here I sit with that inclination to bolt from my own shadow. But I won't - I will sit here with the awareness that my inclination to bolt is high - but I won't bolt. I don't know where this will take me - I may soon be dancing with my own shadow, but right now, I want to bolt while wailing in fear - but I won't - I'll sit. I'll be and I'll wait for the Source to open a door.
In the meantime I will hold up my end of the bargain - I will keep writing the morning pages, feeding my artist imagery via artist dates, doing my reading, working my lumps - ever abundantly grateful for my life and maybe just a little bit of swimming in the flow of true desires.
This week's artist way theme might have been about abundance and I certainly spent some time reflecting on that topic but for me the week was very much about vulnerability. I uncovered some buried dreams and at the same time I unearthed the grief associated with those cut off dreams. Yet, I have felt inspired and hopeful and open to possibility. I've had the full gamut of emotions and even a full out crying jag. Shifts are happening and I guess I've also noticed shifts from the past that I never really acknowledged and now seem as present today as they once were back then.
I am meditating again on a regular schedule. For the past few years I've been irregular about when and how long I've meditated. I didn't put any pressure on myself about it because I figured I'd keep it alive and active simply by "scratching the itch" as needed. But, lately I have found that I want a regular connection and a regular habitual time. I have found a place (in my bedroom) and a time (near bedtime) and it's working. I think it comes out of so many weeks of writing morning pages and also the joy I feel in doing my daily lumps each day. Now I seem to be folding into the cake batter of my life the ingredient of regular meditation.
Here is a picture of (not all) a large chunk of my books related to the topic of creativity.
With all these books you'd think gosh, she's a blocked artist. What working artist needs that many books on creativity? She must be living as a shadow artist................ No, that really isn't the case - what I am is a shadow teacher of creativity. I love this topic. My favorite bookstores are the ones that actually give "creativity" it's own section instead of scattering the books throughout psychology, self-help, and the art techinique section. I am so much of a shadow teacher that I wouldn't even allow myself to put teacher on my imaginary lives list of 19. By the way, I added a number 20 it is mermaid. Someone blogging the AW inspired this, but my brain can't remember who now- and well there I go trying to avoid the topic at hand.......
But in all seriousness I think the life I'd like to live is about being in service to creativity. To helping others explore and live creative lives. I said something about this to my husband - wanting to teach - and he was surprised because he'd never heard this from me before. Yet as I talked he began to remember - oh yeah I'd mentioned it. This is the thing - I mention it to other people in ways that do not draw attention to it. I even do my best to keep it away from myself because I am living as a shadow.
I've seen my shadow and I have to say I am a little scared of it. I saw a little girl once on Funniest Home Videos who screamed in fear every time she glanced down and sideways and caught sight of her shadow. She would take a few steps and then turn her eyes back and just wail - with this utter look of oh no it's still there! I am like that little girl right now. Getting a glance and wishing I didn't know what I know.
I discovered a new blog this week - well new to me. - Marvelousmadness had a quote by Pema Chodron that I just loved "Never underestimate the inclination to bolt." Oh, here I sit with that inclination to bolt from my own shadow. But I won't - I will sit here with the awareness that my inclination to bolt is high - but I won't bolt. I don't know where this will take me - I may soon be dancing with my own shadow, but right now, I want to bolt while wailing in fear - but I won't - I'll sit. I'll be and I'll wait for the Source to open a door.
In the meantime I will hold up my end of the bargain - I will keep writing the morning pages, feeding my artist imagery via artist dates, doing my reading, working my lumps - ever abundantly grateful for my life and maybe just a little bit of swimming in the flow of true desires.
Friday, February 17, 2006
Studio Friday
Today's Studio Friday topic is Name Your Poison - what is your drink of choice while creating.
Well, first it is coffee. Two cups first thing in the morning. The other thing I am doing first thing in the morning while enjoying this cup of coffee is writing my morning pages.
Of course I'd be a nervous wreck if I continued drinking coffee so if I want a warm drink it is tea after that. I seem to have an abundance of tea, huh? Abundance is everywhere if we only bother to look.
Actually, refreshments and dry clay dust don't really mix. Not a great plan to eat and drink while working with clay. But for fun I took this picture in my studio with my clay tools and canvas mat- now my tea cup has a little half and half in it and my other poison......ah......chocolate...........gotta love it!
Please go see the other wonderful submissions at tinesparkles -Studio Friday
Well, first it is coffee. Two cups first thing in the morning. The other thing I am doing first thing in the morning while enjoying this cup of coffee is writing my morning pages.
Of course I'd be a nervous wreck if I continued drinking coffee so if I want a warm drink it is tea after that. I seem to have an abundance of tea, huh? Abundance is everywhere if we only bother to look.
Actually, refreshments and dry clay dust don't really mix. Not a great plan to eat and drink while working with clay. But for fun I took this picture in my studio with my clay tools and canvas mat- now my tea cup has a little half and half in it and my other poison......ah......chocolate...........gotta love it!
Please go see the other wonderful submissions at tinesparkles -Studio Friday
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Be abundance
I hope this week everyone is finding, feeling, and allowing some abundance to happen in their life. I am very grateful for the abundance in my life. Looking at this week's Artist Way topic I realize that one luxury I have been having trouble allowing myself is a professional massage - I keep procrastinating it - so I am off to schedule one.....
On the topic of abundance Dr. Wayne W. Dyer says in his audio series "The Secrets of the Power of Intention" -
On the topic of abundance Dr. Wayne W. Dyer says in his audio series "The Secrets of the Power of Intention" -
You have to be abundance. And know that you can attract it to you. People who are good at attracting abundance into their life very seldom put their attention or their thoughts on scarcity - it isn't something they ever think about.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Let your heart fly.......
Happy Valentine's Day!
This is a glass heart made by Mitch and Shannon Berg of Wired Glass in Santa Fe. It hangs in my studio window and it was a gift from my sister. When I hung it up in the window my cat Fox thought it was a bird. He talked to it and ran all over the room trying to get up to it and catch it. He did this for about two days until I guess he decided it wasn't really a bird. Still, occassionally I will catch him gazing up at it. Sometimes I wish I could get into my cats mind and see the world as they do.
I sit and write my morning pages each day and when my pen pauses I gaze upon this flying heart glistening in the new day sun. I dream and fly in my imagination. I count my blessings and acknowledge all the abundance and love there is in my life. I send out this image to you for this day with the desire that you too may know abundance and love and will appreciate some tender hearted living today in whatever way it finds you.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Week 5 Checkin
Oooppps....I almost forgot to do my daily lump today. Thankfully, when I sat down at my computer to write I suddenly remembered. So off to my studio I went. I've been on a roll with doing them each day and counting today I've done 19 consecutive days. I notice that the ones I do in the morning I'm usually more pleased with and I think that tells me something about how I need to structure my day in order to make the most of my energy. I also have noticed that for right now doing the daily lump is enough. I know I'm going to start my class soon and eventually I'll want to work on some other projects, but for right now it feels right and good and just enough to do a daily lump each day and that's all I'm doing in clay.
I feel a little scattered and a little bored with the Artist's Way. I've noticed this week that I'm not as in sync with the process. I've been picking up other books like the Art and Fear book. Maybe what underlies all of it is I am often afraid to dream or to wish. I get resistant to doing this outright and boldly. This week in the Artist's Way was all about those possibilities. I also feel that for me taking little steps works so much better - when I expand too much and look too broadly I have a tendency to shut off because I'm overwhelmed. I can often come up with a lot of ideas, but executing them through to completion is something I can procrastinate using the technique of just coming up with more ideas and projects.
I know Cameron is waking us up and getting us to flex our imagination muscles - but I guess I'm saying this week I hit a place where I'm not quite ready to move to the next level. It's good though because I don't think I've ever had this kind of awareness for myself. In the past I might have continued on forcing the learning or given up instead of saying I'm just not fully here in this place at the moment. I'm not giving up - I'm just going to give myself a bit of a break and some time to integrate all that has been happening.
I have noticed I'm more willing to find the things that are feeding me. I bought some clay magazines today just so I could begin creating an image file of things made with clay. I've also been listening to Dr. Wayne Dyer's CD's on The Power of Intention. It's been very appropriate to listen to during this week's topic of possibilities. In some ways, I can see that I'm not really as out of sync with the Artist's Way as I feel.
My artist date this week was a long luxurious bath. At first I thought doing a bath as an artist date might not be a "real" kind of artist's date. But then it occurred to me that when I take a long bath especially during the day I go into a state of bliss. My mind just turns off and I can drift and dream. Well, this seemed like the perfect thing to feed my artist and it was. I have a very nice bathtub in this new place I live and I don't really let myself take too many baths because I care more about conserving water. When I do take a bath though I make sure it is long and sacred and I always come out of it feeling so much gratitude.
I'm glad I have this blog and this wonderful artist way community online. I'm still working on paying close attention to what works for me to keep me on track. I fear shutting off and then not being able to get back on track. I think having this place to come and post and read and leave comments and read comments is helping me. I have one local artist group but we haven't met in a long time - though we are meeting again at the end of the month. All I can really say is I continue to feel such gratitude for this experience. I may not have spent this week coming up with all these wild and wonderful dreams - but I kept the creative tap on and that is enough for me.
I feel a little scattered and a little bored with the Artist's Way. I've noticed this week that I'm not as in sync with the process. I've been picking up other books like the Art and Fear book. Maybe what underlies all of it is I am often afraid to dream or to wish. I get resistant to doing this outright and boldly. This week in the Artist's Way was all about those possibilities. I also feel that for me taking little steps works so much better - when I expand too much and look too broadly I have a tendency to shut off because I'm overwhelmed. I can often come up with a lot of ideas, but executing them through to completion is something I can procrastinate using the technique of just coming up with more ideas and projects.
I know Cameron is waking us up and getting us to flex our imagination muscles - but I guess I'm saying this week I hit a place where I'm not quite ready to move to the next level. It's good though because I don't think I've ever had this kind of awareness for myself. In the past I might have continued on forcing the learning or given up instead of saying I'm just not fully here in this place at the moment. I'm not giving up - I'm just going to give myself a bit of a break and some time to integrate all that has been happening.
I have noticed I'm more willing to find the things that are feeding me. I bought some clay magazines today just so I could begin creating an image file of things made with clay. I've also been listening to Dr. Wayne Dyer's CD's on The Power of Intention. It's been very appropriate to listen to during this week's topic of possibilities. In some ways, I can see that I'm not really as out of sync with the Artist's Way as I feel.
My artist date this week was a long luxurious bath. At first I thought doing a bath as an artist date might not be a "real" kind of artist's date. But then it occurred to me that when I take a long bath especially during the day I go into a state of bliss. My mind just turns off and I can drift and dream. Well, this seemed like the perfect thing to feed my artist and it was. I have a very nice bathtub in this new place I live and I don't really let myself take too many baths because I care more about conserving water. When I do take a bath though I make sure it is long and sacred and I always come out of it feeling so much gratitude.
I'm glad I have this blog and this wonderful artist way community online. I'm still working on paying close attention to what works for me to keep me on track. I fear shutting off and then not being able to get back on track. I think having this place to come and post and read and leave comments and read comments is helping me. I have one local artist group but we haven't met in a long time - though we are meeting again at the end of the month. All I can really say is I continue to feel such gratitude for this experience. I may not have spent this week coming up with all these wild and wonderful dreams - but I kept the creative tap on and that is enough for me.
Friday, February 10, 2006
Studio Friday: Fear
I am joining the Studio Friday this week. Forgive my blogging skills but I don't know how to get the little Studio Friday logo and link into this post. So you'll just have to go here to find out all about it.
I am intriqued to take the challenge of adventuring into my studio and capturing a little spark to send out each week. Funny that this week's topic would be fear because I could easily procrastinate doing this out of ....yes, fear. But I won't because life is short and I have things to express no matter how anxiety producing that is at times.
Fear shows up in its rigid way and throws up its hands.... STOP it says......tumbling down all over my good intentions to show up in my studio and create.
I saw this week's topic and immediately thought of David Bayles and Ted Orlands book Art and Fear. It's a great book that I've nibbled at but really need to take the time to read and digest it fully. I find that anxiety or fear often stops me. It does it in subtle ways so that in the moment it might look like procrastination or suddenly I feel like I just absolutely no matter what must clean the grout in the bathroom instead of sitting down to face a blank page...or in my case an unformed lump of clay.
I'm learning how to identify the fear, see it saying to me stop, and then choosing to ignore it. To make, create, express something anyway. I'm beginning to whole heartedly believe that what we focus our attention on expands and so I give Fear a quick glance and tell it it cannot steal my energy. I'm learning to choose to focus all my attention on seeing myself as a vibrant productive creator of her life.
Please go check out these other wonderful Studio Friday entries.......
I am intriqued to take the challenge of adventuring into my studio and capturing a little spark to send out each week. Funny that this week's topic would be fear because I could easily procrastinate doing this out of ....yes, fear. But I won't because life is short and I have things to express no matter how anxiety producing that is at times.
Fear shows up in its rigid way and throws up its hands.... STOP it says......tumbling down all over my good intentions to show up in my studio and create.
I saw this week's topic and immediately thought of David Bayles and Ted Orlands book Art and Fear. It's a great book that I've nibbled at but really need to take the time to read and digest it fully. I find that anxiety or fear often stops me. It does it in subtle ways so that in the moment it might look like procrastination or suddenly I feel like I just absolutely no matter what must clean the grout in the bathroom instead of sitting down to face a blank page...or in my case an unformed lump of clay.
I'm learning how to identify the fear, see it saying to me stop, and then choosing to ignore it. To make, create, express something anyway. I'm beginning to whole heartedly believe that what we focus our attention on expands and so I give Fear a quick glance and tell it it cannot steal my energy. I'm learning to choose to focus all my attention on seeing myself as a vibrant productive creator of her life.
Please go check out these other wonderful Studio Friday entries.......
Thursday, February 09, 2006
My first tag........
I've been tagged by Melba and it's the first time I've been tagged....such fun!....She created an Artist Way inspired kind of play....
4 Wishes,dreams, desires....
4 Imaginary Lives
Cameron has asked for this over and over again and I keep ignoring it - guess I'm being nudged not to ignore it. So I made a list..... and I added to it...... and I added to it...... Since I finally did it I'm going to post not just 4, but all 19
4 things I should change
4 people I admire
4 things I like about the Artist's Way
4 things I still hope to get out of the Artist's Way
I'm going to tag
4 Wishes,dreams, desires....
- The first thing that came to me when I read this - and I don't mean to sound cliche but I dream, wish, desire, and pray for all beings of the universe to realize Inner Peace.
- I have small desires too - like I've got my eye on Mary Oliver's New and Selected Poems Volume One AND Two.
- Then there is the dream of teaching something that is fun creative and playful.
- I wish for a landscaping plan around my house that blends well with the natural landscape and includes a new labyrinth.
4 Imaginary Lives
Cameron has asked for this over and over again and I keep ignoring it - guess I'm being nudged not to ignore it. So I made a list..... and I added to it...... and I added to it...... Since I finally did it I'm going to post not just 4, but all 19
- art therapist
- fiction writer- novelist
- singer/songwriter
- scientist studying microscopic details of the world
- massage therapist
- florist
- Buddhist nun
- children's book writer
- weaver
- gardener/garden designer
- feng shui consultant
- psychic astrologer
- glass blower
- recycled junk trash to treasure designer
- jeweler
- herbalist/healer
- librarian
- organizer
- finder of lost stuff
4 things I should change
- get more bone building strength training exercise to ward off osteoporosis
- stop chewing on my nails
- put more attention on the important things and stop letting all the small stuff that has no chance of being mentioned in my obituary overtake my whole day
- help my husband plan and work on our landscaping - I'm procrastinating - better tap into that wish soon!
4 people I admire
- my husband - There are many things I admire about him but I especially admire his ability to focus on one project at a time and his engineer's mind
- my sister - what is a big sister for but to be admired and the reasons are too numerous to be explained
- I admire too many artists and creative folk to pick just two more for this list. I know what it is I admire about all of them- they have a determination for their vision and a productivity that allows the rest of us to share their vision.
4 things I like about the Artist's Way
- The blogging community that is doing this current journey together- thank's Kat!
- The structure - I may not do all the exercises or even agree with it all - but having a container or a form to explore along with this blogging community keeps me on track and that's valuable
- the artist's date and the awareness and permission to fill my creative well
- my daily lumps (May not be Cameron's idea but it came out of this process)
4 things I still hope to get out of the Artist's Way
- I want to deepen connections and I hope that many of them will last beyond the finish of the Artist's Way.
- I want help coping with fear - I peeked ahead and Cameron gets around to this in week 9.
- As I mentioned in this post I hope to figure out how to manage the on and off handles of my creative tap.
- Mostly, I hope to remain open to the journey through the AW and for that matter to remain open to LIFE!
I'm going to tag
- Chameleon
- Greenishlady
- Otter
- Artsy Mama
- Bonus Tag goes out to No. 21 -she doesn't have a blog but if she wants to play -here comes the ball!
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Sunshine
Oh my darling, oh my darling, oh my darling.... 
Oh I love clementines. The are almost as sweet and yummy as
Oscar in the sun.....
Oh I love clementines. The are almost as sweet and yummy as
Oscar in the sun.....
Monday, February 06, 2006
Week 4 checkin a bit late
I keep doing the morning pages. And I've done my daily lumps everyday since I started them. That feels amazing. I'm proud of myself for showing up and doing them. It really feels like I am nourishing myself. I'm not putting all this pressure on myself for it to be anything else - but at times I think they are like a little sketch that I might want to work on into a larger drawing. As a writer in addition to a clay artist I see how the morning pages sometimes bring something that I want to write more in depth about and polish it up to share. My little clay lumps have a spunky rawness to them that I just love. I don't have to overwork them and if something isn't quite right I have to freedom to say - ah.....it's a daily lump don't worry about it. Yet there is the feeling of possibility- when I take more time to create in clay I will have these lumps as inspirational building blocks. And I can't tell you the satisfaction I get from just showing up and doing it. Procrastinating is by far worse than facing the unformed lump so I keep showing up.
Last Sunday for my week 4 artist date I went to the Museum of International Folk Art in Santa Fe. If you ever find yourself in Santa Fe I highly recommend a visit to this museum. They have a wing called The Girard Wing. Alexander and Susan Girard donated 106,000 objects to the museum. If you are a collector of anything then this part of the museum would intrigue you. Objects from all parts of the world are on display. You have to almost walk through it in four different directions and be sure to look up and down. There is one section that displays a picnic or table top setting. Only you realize that the objects that make up most of the food and stuff on the table are in another reality what we would label as squeaky dog toys. Every time I go see this exhibit something new catches my attention. I stood there for the longest time sketching different things that caught my fancy. Some of those sketches and inspirations went into my daily lumps for a few days following the visit. It was a very good artist date because it made me realize that artist food is everywhere - from Huichol Yarn paintings to dog toys to Australian Bark Paintings. Also I really don't like to draw - but I found myself really enjoying sketching at the museum. It took the pressure off to be really good at drawing and instead I focused on capturing the memory of the object so I could have the visual reference later. Makes me want to try drawing from that perspective outside of the museums in my daily life. Sketching did make me slow down and really look and pay attention and in the end I felt overstuffed with imagery but also more open and in a relaxed space.
As for the tasks - well -my eight year old told me to go swimming so that is a planned future artist date. Ready for week 5 and possibility.....
Last Sunday for my week 4 artist date I went to the Museum of International Folk Art in Santa Fe. If you ever find yourself in Santa Fe I highly recommend a visit to this museum. They have a wing called The Girard Wing. Alexander and Susan Girard donated 106,000 objects to the museum. If you are a collector of anything then this part of the museum would intrigue you. Objects from all parts of the world are on display. You have to almost walk through it in four different directions and be sure to look up and down. There is one section that displays a picnic or table top setting. Only you realize that the objects that make up most of the food and stuff on the table are in another reality what we would label as squeaky dog toys. Every time I go see this exhibit something new catches my attention. I stood there for the longest time sketching different things that caught my fancy. Some of those sketches and inspirations went into my daily lumps for a few days following the visit. It was a very good artist date because it made me realize that artist food is everywhere - from Huichol Yarn paintings to dog toys to Australian Bark Paintings. Also I really don't like to draw - but I found myself really enjoying sketching at the museum. It took the pressure off to be really good at drawing and instead I focused on capturing the memory of the object so I could have the visual reference later. Makes me want to try drawing from that perspective outside of the museums in my daily life. Sketching did make me slow down and really look and pay attention and in the end I felt overstuffed with imagery but also more open and in a relaxed space.
As for the tasks - well -my eight year old told me to go swimming so that is a planned future artist date. Ready for week 5 and possibility.....
Sunday, February 05, 2006
How do you turn on the tap?
I feel like I have writer's block. I don't really have it- it's just hard to find the groove again. What I find most interesting about the reading deprivation from this week is it tends to get you off the familiar track. I feel a little derailed though. Not necessarily a bad thing to feel a little lost. Wonderful discoveries are often made in the state of lost.
Personally, I question how this all fits in with my familiar problem of being track-less or stopped because I threw on the brakes in a moment of fear and now I don't know how to get momentum going again. A little note I made for myself at the end of week three said - how do I turn on the tap and off the tap? I had no idea how appropriate this question would be for me this week and especially now as I try to come out of the funk I seem to have fallen into.
I often get myself going creatively and then either something in me throws on the brakes or I allow something outside of me to be my excuse. Then I can go for a long time without much momentum until I find myself suddenly in a creative groove. I don't think I really know what gets me going on the creative track again. What happened was that by the end of week 3 I was in a groove - but I think in the back on my mind I was trying to ask myself - is there a way I can shut this tap off for a little rest and then turn it back on. I was thinking I need to learn how to be able to do this for myself because most of my experience is either on or off and I haven't really figured out how to control the tap.
It's beginning to occur to me that productive creatives have figured out how to work with this on off switch. If you stay on all the time you end up dry, parched, brittle. If you shut off then you never produce. It is finding balance. I think each of us have to find the ways to get to work and to rest our creativity.
Julia Cameron says,"It is normal to yearn for some rest when you are moving so rapidly. What you will learn to do is rest in motion, like lying down in a boat. Your morning pages are your boat. They will both lead you forward and give you a place to recuperate from your forward motion." I get a lot from the morning pages - they give me some focus and help me release some emotional tension. Journal writing especially the kind Cameron has us do has always been a useful tool for me, but I haven't really experienced the morning pages in helping me avoid this on off switch completely.
Well, I'll just say it flat out - I don't completely agree with Cameron - either my morning pages are useful but in a different way than they are for Cameron or I just don't believe that the morning pages will help me keep moving. Although, I love the image of resting while moving, my experience contradicts that completely. I tend to turn on or off . Sometimes I find ways to be slow and steady and rest while in motion, but there are times when the only option is off. I want to know how to turn it off gracefully and be able to turn it back on without having to call in a creative plumber every time.
So, I want to test things out for myself and study what works for others. Showing up is a big one. Reminds me of this quote by O.H. Mowrer "It is easier to act yourself into a better way of feeling than to feel yourself into a better way of action." Most times if I show up and begin working with the creative materials I will at some point without much struggle slip into the creative stream. I know other artists who develop this muscle by making appointments for their work time showing up at the appointed time no matter how they feel.
What seems to work in tandem with showing up is creating a ritual of some sort before working. It might be sharpening the pencils and turning on the music. Or looking at the work that was done the day before. Laying out the brushes and the paint. It seems to become a kind of unconscious behavior that cues the mind and body into a state ready to work.
I am interested in finding what specific things work for me. Testing and experimenting and observing in a very conscious way so that I will be able to answer my question of what turns on the tap and off the tap for me personally? But I am curious reader - do you have something you would care to share that helps you manage the creative flow in your life?
Personally, I question how this all fits in with my familiar problem of being track-less or stopped because I threw on the brakes in a moment of fear and now I don't know how to get momentum going again. A little note I made for myself at the end of week three said - how do I turn on the tap and off the tap? I had no idea how appropriate this question would be for me this week and especially now as I try to come out of the funk I seem to have fallen into.
I often get myself going creatively and then either something in me throws on the brakes or I allow something outside of me to be my excuse. Then I can go for a long time without much momentum until I find myself suddenly in a creative groove. I don't think I really know what gets me going on the creative track again. What happened was that by the end of week 3 I was in a groove - but I think in the back on my mind I was trying to ask myself - is there a way I can shut this tap off for a little rest and then turn it back on. I was thinking I need to learn how to be able to do this for myself because most of my experience is either on or off and I haven't really figured out how to control the tap.
It's beginning to occur to me that productive creatives have figured out how to work with this on off switch. If you stay on all the time you end up dry, parched, brittle. If you shut off then you never produce. It is finding balance. I think each of us have to find the ways to get to work and to rest our creativity.
Julia Cameron says,"It is normal to yearn for some rest when you are moving so rapidly. What you will learn to do is rest in motion, like lying down in a boat. Your morning pages are your boat. They will both lead you forward and give you a place to recuperate from your forward motion." I get a lot from the morning pages - they give me some focus and help me release some emotional tension. Journal writing especially the kind Cameron has us do has always been a useful tool for me, but I haven't really experienced the morning pages in helping me avoid this on off switch completely.
Well, I'll just say it flat out - I don't completely agree with Cameron - either my morning pages are useful but in a different way than they are for Cameron or I just don't believe that the morning pages will help me keep moving. Although, I love the image of resting while moving, my experience contradicts that completely. I tend to turn on or off . Sometimes I find ways to be slow and steady and rest while in motion, but there are times when the only option is off. I want to know how to turn it off gracefully and be able to turn it back on without having to call in a creative plumber every time.
So, I want to test things out for myself and study what works for others. Showing up is a big one. Reminds me of this quote by O.H. Mowrer "It is easier to act yourself into a better way of feeling than to feel yourself into a better way of action." Most times if I show up and begin working with the creative materials I will at some point without much struggle slip into the creative stream. I know other artists who develop this muscle by making appointments for their work time showing up at the appointed time no matter how they feel.
What seems to work in tandem with showing up is creating a ritual of some sort before working. It might be sharpening the pencils and turning on the music. Or looking at the work that was done the day before. Laying out the brushes and the paint. It seems to become a kind of unconscious behavior that cues the mind and body into a state ready to work.
I am interested in finding what specific things work for me. Testing and experimenting and observing in a very conscious way so that I will be able to answer my question of what turns on the tap and off the tap for me personally? But I am curious reader - do you have something you would care to share that helps you manage the creative flow in your life?
Friday, February 03, 2006
My spirit is speaking through the clay.
Yesterday I created for fun this little word plague. It was after I did my daily lump and I still had something more to say to myself. Perhaps this helped me finally accept that I was going to break the reading deprivation. It's like my clay had to form a word for me to read and suddenly it became obvious that it was okay to move on. I am having a lot of fun. My daily lump had words in it again today and I'm just appreciating how my love for visual art and my love for words are merging together or working in tandem.
Yesterday I created for fun this little word plague. It was after I did my daily lump and I still had something more to say to myself. Perhaps this helped me finally accept that I was going to break the reading deprivation. It's like my clay had to form a word for me to read and suddenly it became obvious that it was okay to move on. I am having a lot of fun. My daily lump had words in it again today and I'm just appreciating how my love for visual art and my love for words are merging together or working in tandem.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Breaking the fast
I am breaking my Artist Way reading deprivation tonight. So, I went online and read a few blogs and decided to write in my own blog tonight. Ah........it feels so good. As someone wise in my life said to me "take your lessons and enjoy them and move on" So this is what I've learned:
I don't have a problem avoiding my creativity by reading. Reading actually enhances my creativity. It gives me a lot of inspirational juice. I also learned that writing this blog was giving me an outlet of expression for that inspiration juiciness. I was getting more done and enjoying life more before I did this reading deprivation. The blog and reading other blogs and just plain reading in general was actually giving me a lot of motivation to work with in my creative life and that includes my clay work. I feel like things just dried up for me after the start of the reading deprivation. Oh, I had a few things that happened within the first day, but after that it was like I was waiting for some big break through. This morning I found myself asking over again what am I not getting out of this - then it occurred to me that maybe I've already gotten it - reading and blogging is a current passion - why am I shutting it off now?!?!
I had hopes that this no reading week would give me a kind of uplift. I remember really getting a lot out of it when I did it back in 1995. Of course back then I would pick up a novel and not do anything until I read it through to the end. I could be a total slob and escape into a novel at the expense of living my life. I don't have that problem anymore. If anything I have trouble making time out of my living to escape into a novel.
I learned that I'm not really as unbalanced as I thought when it comes to reading blogs. I thought before this reading deprivation that I was really a little bit out of control. Sure I can sit and read more on the computer than some of my friends, but I'm still living my creative life just fine. And since creating this blog I am more aware of my life and the preciousness of it. Even if I don't blog about the fine details I am noticing that I am much more observant of the fine details of my life. I feel like just having this outlet is giving me access into my visual art. For me, I think I am wired to write, visually work, read, write, and as soon as I shut off the reading and then some of the writing it's like I shut off a flow of expression for myself and it all comes to a halt.
Today on Hay House radio I heard Daena Giardella say "creativity is an improvisation" So I guess I have decided to do an improve on Cameron's assignment. It just isn't working for me. That isn't to say it won't work for someone else - but right now it isn't working for me. You can't force an experience you aren't having. The one thing I have gotten out of all of this is that I would like to do more concentrated reading. I have a tendency to fly from non fiction book to non fiction book without really taking the time to proceed through a book and get it's full width and depth. Consequently I have books that I've read parts of but never really looked at in a more abundant way. I nibble instead of having a full meal with them. They wait on my shelves like unfinished projects and I've decided if I've learned anything from this that would cause me to make a change it would be this - I need to be a little more systematic and attentive to a book before abandoning it in pursuit of my next reading fling.
I appreciate that this exercise of reading deprivation has helped me to see the place reading has in my life. It has shown me that a lot of what I read is really working for me and enhancing my life. I am grateful I know how to read. The pleasure and opportunity it gives me is not something I take for granted especially after the last couple of days. Something I might want to pursue is helping the cause of literacy. For now... I am off to bed to guess what.....yes that is right - READ...AHhhhhhh.......
I don't have a problem avoiding my creativity by reading. Reading actually enhances my creativity. It gives me a lot of inspirational juice. I also learned that writing this blog was giving me an outlet of expression for that inspiration juiciness. I was getting more done and enjoying life more before I did this reading deprivation. The blog and reading other blogs and just plain reading in general was actually giving me a lot of motivation to work with in my creative life and that includes my clay work. I feel like things just dried up for me after the start of the reading deprivation. Oh, I had a few things that happened within the first day, but after that it was like I was waiting for some big break through. This morning I found myself asking over again what am I not getting out of this - then it occurred to me that maybe I've already gotten it - reading and blogging is a current passion - why am I shutting it off now?!?!
I had hopes that this no reading week would give me a kind of uplift. I remember really getting a lot out of it when I did it back in 1995. Of course back then I would pick up a novel and not do anything until I read it through to the end. I could be a total slob and escape into a novel at the expense of living my life. I don't have that problem anymore. If anything I have trouble making time out of my living to escape into a novel.
I learned that I'm not really as unbalanced as I thought when it comes to reading blogs. I thought before this reading deprivation that I was really a little bit out of control. Sure I can sit and read more on the computer than some of my friends, but I'm still living my creative life just fine. And since creating this blog I am more aware of my life and the preciousness of it. Even if I don't blog about the fine details I am noticing that I am much more observant of the fine details of my life. I feel like just having this outlet is giving me access into my visual art. For me, I think I am wired to write, visually work, read, write, and as soon as I shut off the reading and then some of the writing it's like I shut off a flow of expression for myself and it all comes to a halt.
Today on Hay House radio I heard Daena Giardella say "creativity is an improvisation" So I guess I have decided to do an improve on Cameron's assignment. It just isn't working for me. That isn't to say it won't work for someone else - but right now it isn't working for me. You can't force an experience you aren't having. The one thing I have gotten out of all of this is that I would like to do more concentrated reading. I have a tendency to fly from non fiction book to non fiction book without really taking the time to proceed through a book and get it's full width and depth. Consequently I have books that I've read parts of but never really looked at in a more abundant way. I nibble instead of having a full meal with them. They wait on my shelves like unfinished projects and I've decided if I've learned anything from this that would cause me to make a change it would be this - I need to be a little more systematic and attentive to a book before abandoning it in pursuit of my next reading fling.
I appreciate that this exercise of reading deprivation has helped me to see the place reading has in my life. It has shown me that a lot of what I read is really working for me and enhancing my life. I am grateful I know how to read. The pleasure and opportunity it gives me is not something I take for granted especially after the last couple of days. Something I might want to pursue is helping the cause of literacy. For now... I am off to bed to guess what.....yes that is right - READ...AHhhhhhh.......
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