Reading Deprivation Week

Julia Cameron wrote The Artist Way book way back in 1992 or earlier I believe. The internet and all you can read on it wasn't anything like it is now. And it wasn't so much a part of our contact with other people either. I wonder what advice she'd have to give for our blogging the Artist Way group today? I think I won't be able to stay away completely. I plan to check my email - but not 500 times a day - just once or twice.

That means that if anyone leaves me a comment here on my blog I will see it.

I don't think I am going to write on my blog. If the mood strikes me I will post photos. The temptation to go read other blogs will be strong though and since it is kind of an addiction of mine I think I'll work on giving it a rest and that may include posting photos.

I will definitely be avoiding reading all the books of fiction and nonfiction for this week. And magazines. There are a few small exceptions I will make in reading this week but for the most part I will focus on other things that I want to accomplish because my recent blogging has been interfering with my attention.

I also plan to do extra clay work/play and extra yoga this coming week. I am looking forward to a little break to catch my breath in the blogosphere.

I wish you all a pleasant week with many synchronicities and lovely insights. See you next Saturday!

Remembering...

1. My favorite childhood toy was the backyard. GreenishLady reminded me of mudpies which made me think of how much I played in and with the backyard. I played with the earth and the plants. I had a swing. We had a concrete patio with a tree in the center and I would rollerskate for hours around it. I also had one of those twirly hop skip toys.
2. My favorite game - nothing really came to mind. My mom and I would have hours of fun making up silly sentences out of license plate letters. Then I remembered that the most fun game I ever played as a kid was at the neighbors house with the whole family - a game called Pit. It was a loud wild game - frenzied and I loved it's structure that allowed all this venting of chaos. Note: It has to be played with at least 6 people to be any fun.
3. The best movie I ever saw as a kid was Oh, Heavenly Dog I cannot believe I remembered this but because of the internet I could look up the title.
4. I don't do it much but I enjoy swimming (second time that has come up in the AW exercises and I think I may need to go find a swimming pool)
5. If I could lighten up a little, I'd let myself make more friends. That was literally what came up first. Next was make art as play. So maybe what underlies all of it for me is if I could lighten up a little I'd let myself play despite the potential risks for rejection or failure.
6. If it weren't too late, I'd........I don't know what I'd do. I'm not haunted by the sense that it is too late - that is, as long as I get it together and do a few of the things I really want to do.
7. My favorite musical instrument is the cello.
8. The amount of money I spend on treating myself to entertainment each month is ...I have no idea but I don't have trouble with entertainment.
9. If I weren't so stingy with my artist, I'd buy her ....first I thought an extruder (it's a piece of clay equipment that I'm not really sure yet I need or would use). Then I thought subscriptions to creative magazines....a variety like ceramics monthly, art news, and paper cloth and whatnot. Since I did this exercise a few days ago I been noticing my stinginess and I thought of something I really want, but I am denying myself - it's a way to press my signature into my clay works - you can see it here.
10. Taking time out for myself is something I do for my own sanity and the sanity of those close to me.
11. I am afraid that if I start dreaming I'd make myself successful and then everything would change.
12. I secretly enjoy reading astrology books.
13. If I had had a perfect childhood I'd have grown up to be an artist a teacher and creativity goddess. That is a bold scary statement to make - I hear the censor knocking on the door saying don't be so full of yourself.
14. If it didn't sound so crazy, I'd write or make a .... my first thought to this is to write a book about the creative process - but that idea doesn't sound that crazy to me. Is that AW progress or do I need to foster crazier dreams?
15. My parents think artists are...I'm not sure I really know the answer to this and maybe that says it all - it's like art and artists just don't register on their radar either good or bad.
16. My God thinks artists are....this one was tough. I think it's a dumb question. I've thought about and written about it and talked about it - and the only thing to come up with is that artists are like anyone else - they aren't more special than anyone else.
17. What makes me feel weird about this recovery is how much of it to share on my blog.
18. Learning to trust myself is something I work on -when I'm having doubt it takes reminding myself by asking "do I trust myself enough to handle what ever happens?"
19. My most cheer-me-up music is a song called "Beautiful Life" by Fisher. Oh, there is lots of other music , but this song gets me on a positive path.
20. My favorite way to dress is comfy. Not sure how to describe it beyond that.

Week 3

Week 3 has been insightful, fun, and intense for me. I'm starting to see what Cameron means by peaks and valleys and expansions and contractions. I did a number of the tasks from week three, but I just haven't gotten them into a typed form to post. I've done my daily lumps for 4 days straight now and plan to continue. I can feel this small step boosting my confidence in expressing with clay.

I read ahead a little bit into week four already. I knew it was the reading deprivation week next week - UGH. How in the world are we going to connect with no reading - including blogs. In a way my head is spinning from the last month of creating a blog. I didn't expect the AW program this time (I did it in 1995) to have such an impact. Yet, I can see that in some ways I am more ready to learn or change in certain areas that have held me back. I have to say that last time the reading deprivation week was very good for me because I read so many things in such a haphazard way that it calmed me down. It was like a fast and cleared my head - so in a way I'm looking forward to doing it this time though I will miss all my fellow AW'ers. I'll wait to see what Engaged Kat! has to say tomorrow when she introduces week four.

In regards to leaving my blog for a week - I feel a little bit like a mother leaving her baby in the care of a babysitter for the first time. Or at least that is the imagine that comes to mind though I've never had children. Maybe I might post photos only as a check in - it's a thought I'm throwing around. There are several friends I need and want to call and there are some things I need to tend to - so a week of not reading might be just the opportunity. Oddly enough - I've been wanting to physically go to the new Placitas library and inquire about volunteering. I may do that next week - I promise I won't check out any books to read!

My artist date for week four is going to the International Folk Art Museum. My sister and I are going to drive up to Santa Fe together then split up at the museum to do our separate artist dates. So not only will I get to have an artist date at a place I enjoy but haven't been to in ages - but I'll have it sandwiched into a good hanging out session with my sister (another thing I enjoy doing and I don't know how she ended up on the list at number 21). Creative blessings to all.

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The bunnies blend into the landscape so well. It really isn't until they run that you see them. 

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Artist Date part 2

My artist date to Old Town was a fun relaxing couple of hours. I thought of bringing the camera, but I didn't want to have to worry about it. As I was leaving I thought another artist date could be a trip specifically with my camera in Old Town. I thought of Lorraine and her photos of Keene. As I walked around Old Town I thought wow it's appropriate that the week Cameron has us start to remember things about childhood I would come here. It was the biggest treat for me to go shop in Old Town when I was a kid. Now I mostly go there as a tourist with out of town guests. I did notice a couple of new chic boutiques that caught my eye and I may need to go back again soon.

After Old Town I went by The Harwood Art Center. I walked into the building with such determination that when my friend inside said "did you see the labyrinth?" I was shocked. I didn't notice it. Well of course I had to walk it once she pointed it out to me. I had a backyard labyrinth I created at my old house. My husband and I plan to build another one at our new house - but they take time so it may not happen for awhile. It was so wonderful to remember - my body just fell into a relaxed state. It really was the perfect way to end my artist date. I'll dig up a picture of my old labyrinth and post it here soon.

Artist Date part 1

I went on an artist date today. I took myself down to Old Town Albuquerque. On my agenda was a trip to a coffee shop that had a friend's art showing and a trip to this little tucked away chapel in Old Town. Beyond that it was a plan to wander. I went to the chapel first. In recent years I've always stumbled on this chapel and wandered in and been kind of amazed at how New Mexican it felt and how down to earth it was - plus it has this amazing window. Months ago, I got to read the back story of this La Capilla de Nuestra Senora de Guadalupe written by a curious fellow New Mexican Johnny Mango. And then read about the woman who created it.

Next, I went to the coffee shop at just the right time to view Eleanor's work. It was midday - there was no one around and I could sit and visit with Eleanor's work as it glowed under the skylight. She has this piece called Ocean done with encaustic that just always makes me feel like swimming. Eventually this very talkative guy came in and ordered a burrito and well, the serenity was gone - but this is the thing about Albuquerque it's a friendly place and no where else can you over hear such a detailed discussion about chile peppers. We love our chile here.

I wandered around some more and almost missed one of my favorite co-op galleries the Amapola gallery - I told the artists who were sitting the gallery today that I always feel so light and vibrant after visiting this gallery. I took a small risk and inquired about membership. I'm not ready to really apply and I almost didn't ask because I don't want to scare that clay artist of mine away or put pressure on her too soon. It felt good just to explore possibilities.
My date kind of flowed over into a visit to another art venue which I'll write about in the next installment. For now...it's pizza night and I gotta go create this weeks masterpiece!

antidote for shame

I finally read week 3 of The Artist's Way. I read it a few days ago on the same day I started my daily lumps. Within that time I've had some insights. The word revelation or epiphany comes to mind actually. It feels big and yet I know that time will only tell me how much of this insight was a turning point. I read Cameron's part about shame while doing my funny dance with the information because I always have to maneuver around Cameron's tone and my own previous history with the material. Then this tapped me right between the eyes - I am ashamed of myself. I feel shame for not being farther along on my creative path. I feel shame for wasting so much of my time. I feel shame for not really knowing how to use my kiln and then for not really using it enough to learn how to use it. I got hit with all these little and big ways that I'm feeling shame - especially as it relates to my blockage with clay and my identity as an artist. It is hard to explain the depth and width of this insight as it hit me and I'm still kind of integrating it into my awareness.

This is probably a good place to tell the story of firing my kiln for the first time. The thing was delivered and set up and then I had to fire it empty once before using it. I thought I followed the instructions, but it wouldn't go up to the temperature it needed to get to. Well, what I failed to understand was I needed to let it get up to about 1000 degrees with the lid propped open and then at that point I needed to lower the lid for the remainder of the firing. I called the ceramic store and learned that this is what I did wrong, but by that time I thought for sure I'd ruined my kiln forever. I felt so embarrassed that I didn't know this information. I began to feel like ceramics was too huge and there was too much to learn. Really it took on this kind of shame that in my head it said I had no business being a clay artist and owning a home kiln because I don't even know something so basic like firing my kiln. Needless to say, I've been intimidated by the thing for years now and it was just in the last two days that I see - oh, how obvious - I'm letting my shame run my experience. It's gotten so bad that every time I went to work with clay it would trigger fear because of the shame. I have had other successful firings in my kiln - but it is like that first one set my baseline experience.

I can laugh about my first kiln experience. My husband and I had to move it and I got a ventilation system for it that required drilling holes into it - in other words I've had more opportunities to ruin the thing. So now my misfire experience is kind of funny to me. And now that I see the shame I covered myself under - well, it's really funny.

I got to thinking about Cameron's statement "the antidote for shame is self-love and self praise" That works I think. It works well if you are overcoming a bad review of your work. I did a google search for "antidote for shame" Some of the information I found said that laughter is an antidote. If you can laugh about what is causing you shame you get over it much quicker. I found info that said shame exists because we give 'others' the authority to judge us. It's the ol' 'what will they think of me?' The antidote is to stop worrying about what others think and forgive yourself. Also any activity leads to another activity and becomes an antidote to shame - its the get back up on the horse tactic.

What I had been doing because I just didn't see it was letting the activity of being ashamed lead me into the activity of avoiding my clay studio. I was worried about what others would think? Worried about how I didn't have enough clay knowledge. I've taken some classes but I'm more self taught than anything else. I felt like I was awful because I had the means to acquire a home kiln and then I let it sit unused. That imaginary 'they' as a group were shaking their fingers at me saying "Tsk, tsk, you ought to be ashamed of yourself - we wouldn't let the opportunity go to waste!"

Shame is a hard thing to share with others. And it feels a little weird to post this on my blog, but I feel as if the potential for confession of my shame on this blog has actually helped me release the unconscious hold this shame has had on me and maybe I hope it will help someone else.

I discovered -a synchronicity perhaps - at luminous debris an exercise that fits right into this insight. I was in a vicious circle with myself. The stuck clay artist circle that said I had to have knowledge and be perfect and then this pressure would cause me to avoid working and I feel shame which would go around again into I'm a stuck artist in a vicious circle. Patti helped me see the virtuous circle is showing up at the clay, recognizing the shame but just doing micromovements, enjoying mistakes, laughing and playing which lead to wanting to show up again at the clay.....
Coincidentally my intuition has already guided me to doing my daily lumps and as for shame....well, I realize that it'll take awareness and movement. It is listening to the advice that says -quit worrying about what others think. It is as luminous debris advises "Once defined, of course, the next step is to figure out what daily actions are keeping you on the vicious circle...and which new actions would move you to the virtuous circle." Oh, thank you Patti for your wonderful teaching.
Cameron's week three is about power and this is what I realize today that letting go of the shame is empowering. I don't feel so bad about the place I find myself in anymore creatively. I feel a sense of gratitude and tenderness toward myself. I feel capable of moving forward on my path rather than stumbling along on it under a cloak of shame. It's like surrender and the peace that exists from laying down the fight. Sure there is the tendency to cling to what is known- to want to pick up the shame again and examine it - but I am also noticing that there is another option that is about saying yes to revealing our secrets (no matter how insignificant they may seem to us). To going out there and finding what has juice or shakti or energy and not allowing shame to block this living - this yes living a creative life!

learning the habit of showing up

I did my daily lump today. It felt really good. I had a spring in my step for the rest of the day because I tackled my resistance and just showed up and did it. I really like the clay lump I shaped (the finished creation) and I know that some days it won't always flow like that, but it was a very sweet beginning. I think getting to it as soon as possible in the day is important because as Amy reminded me in the comments there is danger of procrastinating until never! It is easy for me to procrastinate doing things I really enjoy. And then there is the "I'm not in the mood" scenario. I know that I usually get in the mood once I'm there. I know that I just need to -as that Nike slogan says- just do it. I know these things in my mind. I even know them in other areas of my life. I hope that my daily lumps will teach me to know this with my creative passions and to know it with my experience. I feel it is time for me to really learn the habit of showing up to the clay.

Farther along the path....

I just recently discovered this blog -selftaughtgirl - though I don't know why it never caught my attention before. Today 1.23.06 she mentions The Artist's Way and I think she makes some very wonderful points. As if we don't already have enough AW blogs to go visit - but here is someone who is far on the other side of the AW and not in the thick of it so I thought her entry today was very inspiring.

My process....update....

Week 3 is well under way and I have yet to finish reading the chapter. There are many things I can appreciate about the Artist's Way and there are a zillion things I can appreciate about the bloggers' blogging the Artist's Way. But I just have to say this up front - this week Julia Cameron's tone is making me sick. UGH!! I think this is progress though so I'm not going to dwell on it. It seems like resistance and fussiness and all the things that come up with change are making an appearance. I'm not liking my own tone????? huh... did I just write that? Well, like I said I think there is some kind of progress going on so I am not going to let myself get stuck here. Just noticing......

I have done the morning pages since January 5. Wow. Not a day missed. It's had it's ups and downs. There have been some days I was tempted to skip. I'm lucky in that my schedule allows me a lot of flexibility so I'm not pressed to punch into a time card at an early hour. That alone makes it easier to do the pages every morning. I started on the computer (breaking Cameron's rule of handwriting). I had a few days that I handwrote them instead of typing.
Then, about 4 days ago, it occurred to me that I'd prefer to sit in my studio. My computer isn't in there so I'm back to handwriting the pages. I also discovered that I could drink my coffee in one hand and move the pen in the other. With the keyboard, in order to keep my fingers moving, I have to wait for my coffee. That reason alone is probably why I am now handwriting the pages. Although I still assert that writing the pages on the computer was just as valuable to me as handwriting them.
For the handwritten pages to be even better I need help - I need a smooth flowing pen to write these pages with - if anyone has a recommendation for a pen with ink that just glides without a lot of pressure needed let me know. A cheap wide ruled school notebook is all I'm using for the pages.

So, I got to thinking about the morning pages. They have helped me wake up before I start taking in a lot of outside information. I used to get up, get my coffee, and surf on the computer. By taking the time to write my pages first I have found that it gives me a chance to wake up and be grounded in myself and find out where I am at before I start reading what everyone else has to say. I have also found that the pages warm up my words so that my writing itch seems to continue throughout the day. All of this is helpful for blogging or writing or just my general attitude about the day.

Then it occurred to me that what would be really challenging is to do a "morning page" like exercise with clay. So I think I am going to add to my daily tasks with this exercise for now I'm calling it my daily lumps. I may change the title of it because it sounds like I'm being whacked over the head. I won't do it first thing like the morning pages. I will continue with the morning pages. But depending on my schedule I will try to do it as soon as possible in the day. That may mean right after breakfast. I want to take 15-20 minutes and shape a piece of clay. Make something. I'll extend the time to 30 minutes if I'm on a roll and time allows.
It will simply be to establish a daily attention to clay. I can make ugly clay works and I can make beautiful things, but it won't be to show anyone else. In fact, I am just going to use the same guidelines as the morning pages and put them away not to be looked at for 8 weeks. They may not ever be fired, but I'll wait until I've done it awhile to decide. I am just curious what will happen. And the hardest part for me is getting started. I just don't have the resistance to writing morning pages that I have with getting out the clay and facing the unformed lump. And the weird thing is I really enjoy working with clay and creating all kinds of things I just procrastinate with it so much. So I think this exercise will be a real challenge but one I hope might teach me something about showing up. I actually got the idea from a friend. A very wonderful artist who works in clay and painting and one year did 365 clay pieces making one a day. She lives in another state and I never got to see them - but her project is the seed of what I'm about to undertake here. Since I am blogging about this and you all will be coming to check on me I guess that means I am committing to it. I am committing to it and I hope to hold myself accountable. I begin tomorrow January 23. Oh, and I better get week's 3 chapter read huh?

Connections

You might notice that I am slowly adding links to my sidebar. I'm really not adding them in any logical order - just as the fancy strikes me. I haven't figured out how to work the code in the template yet to divide the links into categories. Eventually, I'll figure it out. I'm not really sure what the proper blogging ettiquette is about links so I hope I'm not offending anyone by the way I'm going about this. I just thought I'd start to add some of the links to blogs that I am frequently visiting. Some of the blogs are ones I knew about before I started blogging and some are very new to me, but I've made a connection through the Artists Way bloggers.

I'm not done adding blogs to the links - but I'll slowly keep adding them over this week and the weeks to come.

I thought about adding all the Artist Way links. I want to encourage everyone on this journey. Actually I want to encourage anyone on a creative journey no matter how they go about it. There are too many Artist Way blogs I haven't yet connected with and more importantly to me, is to have links on the sidebar be ones that I am familiar with and read often. I want to be able to say yes, I know that blog. The top link will take you to Kat's Paw's and on her sidebar is the full Artist Way list.

For now, I will just slowly and naturally let the links on my sidebar grow. I suspect most of the bloggers in the Artist Way visiting will be a little familiar with some of my links. For family and friends - now you can see just where it is I go when I'm surfing the web. What's that surfing phrase? - Hang ten! Full tilt on whatever your creative dreams may be......

Hyped Up

Things I noticed this weekend and I think they might be related to the Artist's Way work. On Saturday I kind of slumped. Lost focus. I felt restless though and unable to stick with one thing. Well today I noticed a kind of excess physical energy and again had trouble just sticking with one thing.

I ended up doing a mini aerobic workout after dinner (something I never do late in the day) just to try to rid myself of all this energy. I've done some personal journal writing, but nothing has gelled into a longer blog post - so for now I have some pots simmering on the back burner - check back later to see whats cooking. It should be a good week. It's all good - the ebb and the flow - but I feel rather manic at the moment.

So I am thinking about some self care. Maybe doing some yoga and meditation before bed. I am thinking of GreenishLady who left a link to an article on self care. I am too hyped up to really read it right now - but I get the message. Go breathe, relax, and go within. Tomorrow I'll see that I begin to really put aerobic exercise back into my routines. I've been lax or irregular and one thing I forget about is this - the more I open to creative flow the more my body needs the grounding and the energy release of exercise.

I was just at Kat's Paws and discovered we share the same number. What is even more amazing to me, is I got the site this is from to give me the right kind of code. AND I figured out how to paste it in here for you all to see.

Your Life Path Number is 11

Your purpose in life is to inspire others Your amazing energy draws people to you, and you give them great insight in return. You hold a great amount of power over others, without even trying. You have the makings of an inventor, artist, religious leader, or prophet. In love, you are sensitive and passionate. You connect with your partner on a very deep level. You have great abilities, but you are often way too critical of yourself. You don't fit in - and instead of celebrating your differences, you dwell on them. You have high expectations of yourself. But sometimes you set them too high and don't achieve anything.

What Is Your Life Path Number?

Week 2 focusing attention

Okay, a check-in for Week 2. There is so much I could write so if time allows I will post more, for now, here is this:
I have one main crazy maker in my life. I love her dearly and it's not an option at this time to exclude her from my life. I've done a lot of therapy of which I'm not going to repeat here. I keep finding my boundaries more and more. I only bring this up here because I've noticed something happening for me in the last couple of weeks - My dear crazy maker doesn't seem to be making me as crazy. Why is this? Because I have picked up my life, my soul, my creative spark again. I have been making life as full and rich as I possibly can and not allowing the craziness to take anymore time than I am willing to give. That means I'm not sitting around analyzing the situation to no good end either. Once I made the clear choice to unblock and more importantly to move forward especially in my dream of writing a blog and just giving my creative passions a full chance it seems to have had the effect of putting this person in a proper place. And she has a place in my life - wacky loving crazymaking place in my life. I seem to have found more compassion for myself and for others who are struggling. Crazymaker is like a slice of the pie. Yet I'm choosing to make the whole pie sweet and luscious and so captivating that a little bitterness only enhances the flavor.

There was a time I used to have the mistaken belief that I had to either cut her out in order to gain my life back or I had to give up my own life for hers. I'd been shifting out of that place for quite some time and I've done a lot of work on myself. I've gained a lot of tools to help me cope. And yet, sometimes it still all gets to me - which has only established that I'm human. And she's human too. We all do the best we can. I don't have all the answers or have it all figured out, but I think I learned something that is important this week about focusing my attention. Now, I am doing as Mary Oliver said in her poem "The Journey" - "and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own, that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, determined to do the only thing you could do - determined to save the only life that you could save."

Here is the pithy lesson as it relates to the Artist's Way for me:

What you focus your attention on EXPANDS.

I'm focusing more and more on what has a juicy aliveness for me. I'm finding that resonance, that vibration. As I travel around and slowly but surely as I get to all the AW bloggers I have been fulfilled and nourished by each and everyone. Lately, as I go through my day I think this would be good to write about in my blog. It might be anything from small to big but it has gotten my attention - and guess what? Even if I never gets to the blog I've paid attention and therefore the inspiration expands. And I feel as if clay is coming back to life for me because I am paying attention to it, but carefully taking small doable steps and ones that leave me wanting more. So at the end of week 2 I feel a sense of wanting more.....not in a greedy way - but more like after the first bite of a cookie you anticipate the taste of the second bite oh so much more.....

Unfired clay approximately 3 in long. Sorry the photo is a little blurry, but I kind of like the quality it gives the piece. 

the hatchling

A delayed Artist's Way report from last Monday - I went to my studio. I had an opening that allowed some extra time at home and I choose to use it in my studio. I didn't procrastinate and I didn't let myself get sidetracked by other things. In my studio, I did two things. I had a mini artist date (though I didn't plan it, I realized as soon as I was in it that it was an artist's date). The other thing I did was get out the clay and make a tiny little sculpture about 3 inches long.

The artist date was me sitting down with a cup of tea and reading my newly checked out library book. I read only the chapter about Adrian Arleo's work. The reason I realized I was on an artist date was because it just suddenly occurred to me that I was having a moment of sitting down, paying deep attention, and spending quality time with my artist. Oh sure, thoughts would arise - like "oh, I'll never be able to do sculptures that large or that well." And you know when those thoughts appeared, I just let them go and turned my attention back to how much I was intrigued and inspired by Arleo's work. I took the time to study details and soak them in. It was nice to read what she had to say about her work and how she evolved her work. Then a thought like "Well she studied clay since she was a small child and she went to undergrad and grad school in clay - you'll never get there" Again I let the thoughts go. Back to finding the things that gave me pleasure. I think a lot of Arleo's work is about transformation and perhaps I just fell deeper into that feeling of my own transformation. All and all another great spontaneous artist's date. I will actually plan a date one of these weeks.

While in my studio I created a tiny little sculpture which was the outcome of a series of micromovements. I mixed up some slip (that is goopy watery clay to help glue two pieces of clay together). After that micromovement I said -"okay, I'll cut my bag of clay into working chunks" Then one chunk was smaller and so I said I'll just play with that. I started making long snakes of clay and coiling them around to make an eye shaped or seed shaped form. I decided to give myself permission to make ugly clay works. In essence, I decided to pump the stagnant water until it runs clear so to speak.

" If the judgment 'ugly' persists, try intentionally painting an ugly painting. It can be an effective liberation from the tyranny of good and bad." -Michell Cassou and Stewart Cubley

I don't know that I first heard this advice from Michell Cassou and Stewart Cubley, but there it was in their book that I choose to randomly flip through the other day.

As I worked on my tiny little clay piece I formed a figure (female) to put inside the coiled form. She took on bird like characteristics, and human, and even penguins (We watched this movie the other night and I liked it very much - especially visually). Although I could see the influences from Arleo and Penguins I just tried to be a child making something. I tried to find that quiet place inside of me that was unattached to the outcome. Gosh it felt - Good!

many happy returns

Oscar says....
look that 40th birthday right in the eye and enjoy it for all it's worth.

Happy Birthday Sweetness! I love you!

Love the moment

I found a little slip of paper I'd saved in my inspiration folder and it read:

Killer belief is thinking life should be anyway other than it is right now ---affirm "The experience I am having is the one I'm supposed to be having."

Today is a packed day, but I will get to do some visual journaling with my sister extraordinaire and it's yoga night. I wanted to post this affirmation because this message keeps coming to me in so many ways - on the radio, through things I read, even things I've written in the past and present. I'm on this new blogging adventure, I'm going toward clay work again, I am following the Artist Way journey. It's easy to go look at these wonderful women's blogs and think I'm not where I want to be. I have big dreams. Then I get that message where you are is exactly where you need to be. My yoga teacher, Meta, tonight will remind me of my perfection in her own words that I can't remember to quote exactly, but I look forward to hearing it again and again.

So today, I dedicate to Corita Kent may I follow her advice:

"Love the moment, and the energy of that moment will spread beyond all boundaries."

How to write cat sees a bird sound.....

Fox

This is my cat Fox. He's up on the shelf where he isn't supposed to be - so what did I do?- I took a picture of him of course. This morning Fox has stood in front of my computer monitor. He wants his morning head scratching. Wish you could see me sitting here peering this way and that way to glimpse and read my morning blogs. The other thing he likes to do at this time is get up on my shoulder. My LEFT shoulder. He won't go on the right shoulder - never has. Try to put him over on the right and you're likely to get your face scratched as he tries desperately to get to your left shoulder. Anyway, I decided since he was being an extra pest this morning and I don't have much time I figured I'd blog about Fox. He's on my shoulder and I'm searching for this picture on my computer. Suddenly, he flies off my shoulder toward the window all the while making that cat sees a bird noise "rah ha ha" I don't know how to write out the noise - but if you have cats you know what that sound is so help me out here and let me know how to write it out. Oh, and Fox is wishing you all a good day.

Dec. 13, 2005 was the last time we had any measurable precipitation and it wasn't much. 

Snow please - press send

To start off the day I am posting a picture of the Sandia Mountains. Yesterday, the snow came close but stayed up north. I want snow so badly. It's almost painful. I wish there was some way to place an order . Snow please - press send. "Your request has been received and Mother Nature will be delivering on Thursday." Some places get more than they need and others have too little. All I can do is look out the window and pray. I try to not feel too needy when I pray because I have this wacky theory that just like people if we are too desperate everyone runs away from us. It is only when one gets quiet inside, asks, and then becomes completely unattached to the outcome that one's wishes may be delivered. Sometimes, I wonder if the weather doesn't work that way too. Okay, it's probably a lot of projecting and personifying. At least I have this one photo to remind me of what it looks and feels like.... ah.....

ps. you may see two photos and that is a mistake I can't seem to get Blogger or Picasa to help me edit and fix - ugh!
pss. finally both photos appear so I am deleting one of them

ready for show and tell

I'm still trying to find some balance - haven't quite gotten my sea legs yet on the ocean of the blogsphere. On the one hand I've turned on a tap of words and I'm doing a lot of writing and making idea notes which feels so good to me like scratching an itch.
The Artist's Way group is huge and I want to explore the other blogs so I'm trying to find little moments for that.
I love seeing all the mixed reactions to the Artist Way. As I'm reading it now I remember doing it in my 20's. I remember that it was after my dad had died and I'd quit my art therapy education. In so many ways it was a very mixed up time. As the years have gone by my life has stablized. I found my boundaries (something I still work on maintaining and developing further). I met and married my husband. Some of the ideas in the Artist Way seem a little dated to me. The tasks and some of the language reminds me of being 20 and all the ways I saw the world from that age. It's really fun to see how far I've come.

I joined this group because from what I could see prior to joining, the participants were all creative and interested in living fully. In the back of my head I thought (none of us really need the AW course). But I love how it's given us a place to converse and how each person is finding their own unique way on the path. For myself, I quickly discovered that I am blocked (not creatively) but in a particular medium - clay. So I am directing that focus more and more in that direction while savoring my writing process.

With Week 2 beginning - I read the chapter. The first task I rattled off was 20 things you enjoy. Here's my list in no particular order of favorites and as I start to type this I'm inclined to want to add to it - but I won't - I'll save something for later.

1. baths
2. hiking
3. swimming
4. singing
5. blogging
6. writing
7. meditating
8. receiving a massage
9. reading fiction
10. puttering, daydreaming
11. cooking
12. snuggling with my hubby
13. smooching on my kitties
14. laughing
15. getting in that creative zone by making some art with my hands
16. listening to programs like New Dimensions, This American Life, etc..
17. jigsaw puzzles
18. travel -seeing something new and different
19. gardening
20. yoga

Cameron said don't be surprised if it's been a long time since you did these activities. Well, I looked at my list and thought I've done all of these recently. Okay the last time I went swimming was probably in the Pacific Ocean in 2003. And I haven't done a jigsaw puzzle for many months.
The one and only thing I noticed was I had an art project I worked on in 2003. It was called Semanas (spanish for weeks). It was done with a group of artist friends and we each agreed to do 52 pieces - one a week for the year of 2003. Then last year the same group of women began a project called Luna. Our intent was to do 12 pieces working on one a month. I am behind. I got stuck. I wanted to work it in clay and I stalled. However, if you've read some of my earlier posts I am becoming unstuck. I signed up for a class at Santa Fe Clay. Eventually, I will post some of my clay work. When I did the Semanas project I had that experience of creating with my hands, but not so much in 2005. I realize that what I love about clay that is different from writing is the "working with my hands part" So with that in mind I'll begin again to re-enter my claywork. Remembering how sensual and good it feels to work my hands in the clay.

I just read what Marilyn had to say about this being a pilgrimage for her. She put it so beautifully. For me I realized that it isn't about digging up all my demons. It is more about opening the channels of trade, venturing into new lands, and sharing my treasures. I'm delighted to read all the ways that the AW is working for people either as it is or as we are all are finding a new path. I think the blogosphere is perfect for this kind of show and tell. The intro to Sark's book Make your Creative Dreams Real she talks about show and tell in second grade. In second grade she said, "I think that show-and-tell should be ME every day." Well, I've been pondering this and realized that I've been kind of shy and yet I don't feel so shy out here in the blogsphere. For me it is like that part or me that is looking at the world and collecting and creating is suddenly saying - I'm bursting -I'm ready for show and tell. So I leave you all with this quote. It has spoken to me over the years in relation to my meditation practice and suddenly it speaks very strongly to me for the AW journey and perhaps to you too.
"Wherever you are is the entry point!" -Kabir

Gushing gratitude

I've got tears in my eyes this morning. They are good tears. The kind that says I am so grateful to be alive and connect to the beauty all around me. I feel like my soul is happy. Finally it is saying yes, yes!! Actually, it has said yes yes many times and I am grateful for all that has come before. But in this blogosphere it feels like I've found a niche or I found my tribe and I'm just making a note that my soul, my spirit whatever you want to call that innerself is really happy to be a part of this.
I want to thank Kat's Paws for all that she is doing. You can go to her blog and find out all about the Artist Way and find all the links to the other bloggers. And for Kat I want to encourage and support her in taking care of herself. I don't want her to burn herself out. It is remarkable all the blogging she gets done. I know I'm new to this and probably slow in comparison, but even so I just wanted to acknowledge her here personally and hint hint that it would be okay to rest too.

Oh, and it's done. I've commited with my credit card number. I called and signed up for a clay class here beginning in February.

Can't silence that yes....

So the end of the Week One is rapidly coming to a close. I'm not sure I'm ready to see it go and move onto another chapter. I wanted to post a little bit about some of the core negative beliefs I've uncovered. I didn't really do the exercises that Cameron laid out, but I used the tasks and the reading to make note of certain things I've discovered.
I will say, just as a side note, that for another life I would like to be a songwriter/singer. I know that is most unlikely for this lifetime - but I nourish that impulse in me by singing in my car and while doing housework and just enjoying lyrics and words in songs.

These are things I noticed this week and I'll just list them at random. I had someone in my early life who when they were displeased with me in some way (usually something I said) would shut me out and stop talking to me. I'd have to read this person's mind and figure out what it was I said or did wrong. Then just as suddenly everything would be fine as if nothing ever happened.

Then there was the time in fourth grade when all the girls in my fourth grade class and the girls in my bluebird troop stopped talking to me. They shut me out because one of the more powerful girls in the group got her feelings hurt by some joke I said to her. I don't even remember the joke but I'm guessing I said some piece of "truth" she didn't want to hear. When I went through that experience I had nightmares for a long time and would wake up sleep walking and yelling in my dreams.
I like to think I am over these things, but this week I had a new insight that these experiences are part of the reason I don't often put myself or my artwork out into the world. I am still living under the false belief that I will offend, hurt, bother, or in some way express some "truth" that will cause me to be shut out or silenced. In fact, this belief has run my life so much that I see how I now do it to myself. I silence my artist before she can speak. I see a pattern in my life where I will have a small success like a show of my work. Then after it is over it's like I just stop. Suddenly, I don't want to do photography anymore, or clay. I recently did some mixed media work that also had some of my writing with it. Do you know I have had thoughts that - I need to be just a writer. Suddenly, I don't want to do the visual art. What will happen if I have a small success with writing? My guess is that I may silence my writer too. I see how I've spent a great deal of energy anticipating the reactions of people around me in order to make it "safe" enough for me to express myself and always fearing the unanticipated mistake that will cause me to be abandoned. Then after expressing myself, even if others don't shut me out, I somehow create it by stopping my work.

I think blogging may just be the antidote for me. Anyway, I have noted this week that my enemy is the silencer. And maybe the censor works overtime to make sure I don't grab too much attention and bring on the mute wrath of the silencer.

I also realized this week that my clay artist really and I mean really needs to get out there and fill her well. It may be just as simple as that. In another blog installment I'll have to tell the story about getting my own home kiln and how that has nearly silenced my clay artist. Between my artist date and reflecting on the need to fill the creative clay pond I recognized that my clay artist needs some support some contact with other clay artists. She's lonely. So, I'm signing up for a clay class. And maybe a weekend workshop too. And as synchronicity would have it I went to the library this week. On the shelf that has all the recent arrivals was a book called The Figure in Clay Contemporary Sculpting Techniques by Master Artists. (I won't try to link it to Amazon because those links don't work for me and I don't know why???). Anyway, I was so excited. I often go to the library not looking for anything in particular. I just let a new arrival jump out at me and take whatever it is as message from the universe - "here study this, discover this" So imagine my delight when this book came to me. I felt like I'd been heard. I felt like with the morning pages and the artist date and my new intention to unblock myself as a clay artist I was given a reply of yes.

Committed

Sometimes you just know when you are committed to do something. It doesn't really matter if you sign a contract or not because you just know you are committed. That was the way I was feeling about the AW contract. Also, I tend to go into black and white thinking and the second half of Cameron's contract was all about exercise, eating well, and sleeping. So I would read that part, and think now on top of focusing on my creative life, I now have to overhaul my health plan. I literally would go to the extreme and say to myself I must lose weight and start a regular aerobic exercise routine and don't forget all that bone building strength training and cut out junk food and eat more veggies and go to more yoga classes.......UGH! In my mind it would become this life altering full on 24/7 job of self care. I had trouble looking at it in terms of babysteps.

Well, yesterday I was listening to Hay House Radio. Cheryl Richardson reminded me of Sark's inspiration on this - which is micromovements. Sark writes in her book MakeYour Creative Dreams Real , "A micromovement is 5 seconds to 5 minutes long because we can do just about anything for 5 seconds to 5 minutes. You may begin and complete your micromovement and suddenly feel energized to continue on." I don't have to overhaul my self care in order to do the artist's way. I can approach it with micromovements or babysteps. Small changes that you hardly notice yet when done regularly can give you a real sense of accomplishment. This applies of course to my creative work too.
Something that gets in the way of my clay work is I feel the burden of the whole project from the wet clay start to the final glaze firing and oh what if I make a mistake then what do I do with it? I may need to start doing the clay work in little micromovements. Heck, now that I've pulled out Sark's book with it's twelve chapters I might read it in tandem with the AW. Suddenly I want to read and do it all....But now, that may be my all or nothing thinking...huh?

What I decided to do with the AW contract was rewrite it in order to make it my own and really give it a chance to deepen my experience. It is pictured below pinned up on the wall above some of my creations. The angel on the far right is the first spiritdoll I ever made. I learned to make them from Sherry Hart way back in 1991.

contract 

I live where there are

rabbits, rabbits, rabbits everywhere. I swear when you aren't looking a rock will turn into a rabbit and vice versa. Though I am a native to New Mexico, my husband and I are recent transplants to Placitas. We live at about 6400 feet on the backside of the Sandia Mountains. There are rabbits everywhere. Little rabbits with white tails and then big jackrabbits that are three times the size of my cats. On a hiking trail near our home the community around here is busy stacking up stones. I call it the village of cairns. As you turn the corner on this trail and head up the hill toward the village of cairns there is this stack of rocks (pictured below) that looks just like a rabbit. It's been too dry here this winter. If you are reading this and live somewhere with snow please send some to us. One of these days the snow will fall and perhaps with rabbit rock will run toward the village of cairns and they'll all dance a jig of joy!

do you see what I see? 

and what a great problem it is to have

Thank you all for the comments you've left. I had absolutely no idea when I began this blog what having comments would feel like and it certainly has been an unexpected thrill. Tonight I spent some time traveling around to blogs - most of them are blogs that are also participating in the The Artist Way group. I feel a bit overwhelmed and overstimulated and it's all morphing together in a really yummy way like I've got a stomach full of creative inspiration to digest.

(Here's my problem - and what a great problem it is to have because it means I am alive and creating)- if I do this blog/artistway/ writing thing too late at night I can't wind down and go to sleep. I end up thinking about what I'll write in my blog, where I want to visit and leave a comment, how I wish I could change a comment I left because I suddenly thought of a better way to say it. Then when you add in the thoughts about the artist's way and those new creative promptings about what to do make and explore - well I end up feeling - MANIC. I don't like parties or art openings for this reason. After it is over I don't know how to turn it all off and go to sleep. This last week has been a challenge for me to find balance and get some sleep. I think sometimes I resist the creative urges in me because I am afraid of getting too out of control. And in my case that mostly means staying up too late. Eventually there is a crash because the body can't take all the pressure.

I see there is another side to all of this too. I see how my critic begins to work overtime. Trying to make me perfect, to be nice, and say it just exactly right. Either I procrastinate and get stuck on STUCK or I have to battle with the inner critic as I stick my neck out and go for my dreams. Stuck is no place I want to be. I've done that. Sometimes it includes some small spurts of creative movement and then I throw on the brakes. Please, let me figure out a way to be slow and steady and make progress. That is all I ask. So here I am trying to write a post before bed as a wind down for the day, as a way to see if I can just make progress. I'm saying to myself and my critic, here is a baby step - an entry into my blog -it may not be perfect or say everything I may have to say - but it's a step and now it's off to sleep. This is my affirmation (This first week in the AW Cameron is encouraging us to create positive affirmations for our each of our negative beliefs). I can be creative, stimulated by LIFE and get adequate sleep. Maybe it's even more clear to say "I create and therefore I sleep!"

why not now?

And so begins the second week of January. It is also the week to begin The Artist's Way. I have already begun my morning pages.
Besides doing the morning pages Julia Cameron asks you to take yourself alone out on an artist date. It's meant to be alone time with your inner artist, your inner child, your creative soul, or whatever you want to call this part of yourself. Back in 1995 I would have trouble with these dates. They were hard for me to do and I would end up feeling so sad and NOT creative and lonely. Which was ironic because I've always been someone who is recharged by alone time and requires a certain amount of alone time to stay sane. But the artist date felt like pressure back then and I didn't find them very useful to my creative life. I suspect that I just was listening too much to my inner critic without recognizing how the critic was running the show.

Things have changed for me. I don't know what happened or how it happened. I'm not so afraid of the artist date. I think that having lived another decade I see how the passage of time and postponing or avoiding is just wasting more precious time in already too short life. So I say to the artist's date bring them on! I had already made a short list of potential dates after a micro brainstorm while I read Cameron's writing on artist dates. Some of those included going to a few museums, exploring some galleries I've never visited, taking a bird watching hike, and taking out my close up lens and photographing.

As I have been reading AW I have this thought in the back of my head "CLAY - get yourself working again in this media" I think AW will help me in many areas of my life -not the least of which is blogging - but I feel a certain single minded goal of recharging my passion in ceramic clay.

Julia Cameron says,

"As artists, we must learn to be self-nourishing. We must become alert enough to consciously replenish our creative resources as we draw on them - to restock the trout pond, so to speak. I call this process filling the well."

Ever heard that quote by Anthelme Brillat-Savarin and The Physiology of Taste 1825

"Tell me what you eat, and I will tell you what you are."

What have I been feeding my creative soul in 2005? Well, blogs. A lot of blogs written by creative souls. Wow. No wonder I am so excited and passionate about finally creating my own blog. I've filled this well and now it is overflowing. So I ask myself in relation to clay and the artist way work - how can I restock the clay fish pond?

Then last night it hit me - For my first weeks artist date I'm going to go outside to make impressions of the natural world in slabs of clay. My inner creative soul started jumping up and down - yes, yes!!!! So I thought I would schedule an artist date for Tuesday or Thursday. Well, today when I thought of it - I got all excited again. I said why not now? Yeah, why not now - no sense in postponing inspiration. So, I announced to my husband I'm going out with my clay on my first artist date and out the door I went.

I made impressions of the cedar in front of my studio window. I made a really cool impression of a rock. My favorite is the pinon pine cone end. It looks like a star. I didn't spend a long time at it. But the important thing was listening to that child like side of myself that said "ooo, ooo, what would that look like pressed into the clay?" By the way, prickly pear cactus isn't easy to make an impression of without getting poked and it's not very interesting as an impression.

Something must be happening because as I was making dinner tonight (fajita stew) I noticed how much the veggies seemed to glow. The colors and the textures and smells as I chopped seemed vibrant. For me that is always an indication that the creative is flowing in me. To vibrancy! - To all the other AW bloggers!

Revealing a blogger part 2

I did it and I'm proud of myself. I figured out how to load photos onto this blog. Oh, sure there is a part of me that wants to minimize this accomplishment. I hear that critic saying - they make it so easy all you had to do was read the help section - all said in a very degrading tone I might add. Why am I talking to myself like this? I wouldn't talk to a friend like this. So why talk to myself like this? It's a choice and I can see that now. I really am quite pleased with myself for figuring out how to do this photo thing and I'm going to brag about! I did it! I did it! Wahoooooooo!

revealing a blogger 

Learning how to put them links in my text

Since I joined the Artist Way bloggers I was delighted to recieve some comments on my previous post. I want to thank Kat's Paws for organizing this fun connection. For a new blogger like me it is a very happy opportunity to join a creative community. Kat has developed such a long list of bloggers to keep track of that I am extra appreciative that she visited and left an encouraging comment.

As for The Artist's Way - I have done the twelve weeks before. I think it was back in 1995. Wow - a whole decade has gone by. I think it's a great time for a revisit of Julia Cameron's program. Although - if this blogging AW group had not been happening I don't think I would have begun this on my own. I do have a certain hope for my work with the Artist's Way. I often feel blocked when it comes to my ceramic clay work. I seem to go in spurts with it. I am hoping the work in the Artist's way will help me open the creative flow in that area especially. Of course, that means I cannot let this new blogging adventure distract me.

One of my favorite blogs is called A Mindful Life. She also happens to be participating in The Artist's Way. Inspired by her confession I have one of my own to make. I am writing my morning pages on my computer. Gasp!! I started three days ago. Back in 1995, when I first did the AW, I hand wrote all my morning pages just like Cameron instructed in her book. In fact long after I finished the AW weeks I continued to write morning pages until they morphed into a kind of daily journal writing process for me. I want to try something different this time and since I have this awesome computer Journal program I am going to type my morning pages.

I've set up a few rules for myself:

• do them first thing
• no web surfing or email checking until they are done
• keep the fingers moving for a 15 minute time limit
• I don't look at the screen or what I'm writing (this usually isn't a problem because my cat Fox is almost always sitting in front of the screen first thing in the morning...ah cats.....)
• I am not concerned with using proper punctuation or spelling or the delete key
• when I'm done I don't even reread what I wrote
• and if I cannot do them on the computer then I have a back up plan to write them by hand

So far, it is working for me. I recognize some of the same benefits from the first time I did morning pages. Those benefits include waking up both literally and metaphorically to myself. It's also surprising to see how much the critic shows up and the complaining that goes on and on, but at the end of my morning pages I do feel like I've gotten the stuff out of my way.

Join in

The new year is off to a rapid and fun start. I've decided to join the blogging The Artist Way bloggers. Of course, I'm still trying to figure out all this blogger lingo and technical stuff so I hope that doesn't hinder my progress with the AW. I have been really happy the last few days and I realized this morning it is because I set up my blog - finally! I've been thinking about it for a year. As part of finishing off the old year - goodbye 2005 - I read through some of my journal entries and discovered that at the beginning of 2005 I had the idea to create my own blog. Well, I've finally done it and it gives me a happy rush even though I have a lot to learn. I've been lurking - well reading many oh so many blogs in the last year and a half to two years. Some of these bloggers are also participating in the AW group. I've been too shy and cautious to comment on any one else's blog, but I can assure all the writers of the blogs I read that I have been inspired and comforted by their stories. I hope maybe by joining in with the AW festivities I will have a real opportunity to come out of the shadows and tell each and every one of them just how much joy and delight they've brought to my life on a regular basis. Eventually as I get this all figured out I will post some links to some of my favorite blogs and to Kat's Paws the central blogging hub for the blogger Artist Way group. Right now, as I write this, only my husband has my blog address, but that will soon change as I step out and join the AW group and my blog address gets listed. So, if you are a visiting Artist Way blogger - welcome and bear with me as I figure out how to do this.

a letter from one creative spirit to another

I used to make these little sculptures that I called spiritdolls. Whenever I finished one I'd be so excited and thrilled by the process of creativity that I would immediately want to show it to someone. Usually that meant showing a housemate or a friend. I guess this blog for me is a way to return to that inspired place. I am following the urge inside of me to keep the creative impulse flowing and tell my stories and share my creations. I think blogging today is just a litttle bit like what letter writing used to be long ago. A way to connect and tell our stories to each other. No matter how much technology changes our daily living we still have a need to express and connect in words and pictures. So come along with me as I learn to share my writing in this new modern format. Think of it as a letter from one creative spirit to another. Along the way I promise to post pictures of my latest creations too!